Archived News:
3/6/01 - 6/1/01    6/2/01 - 9/16/01
9/16/01 - 2/14/02    2/17/02 - 7/20/02
7/20/02 - 1/26/03    1/26/03 - current


June 01, 2001 3.16pm est

Tyson bears all in the freakshow. Be afraid... or turned on, whatever Tyson's hot body does for you.

"Hey, let me tell you, anybody that thinks they can out-jerk me off, they're just plain full of shit. I am the best there was, the best there is, and the best there ever will be. Plain and simple. I'm a jerkaholic." - Tyson Kerr

If that doesn't get you going I don't know what will.
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June 01, 2001 2.40pm est

waddup fellow netizens!!?

okay, I feel dirty now... I'll be back later.
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May 31, 2001 10.38pm est

The guestbook is alive... IT'S ALIVE!!!! Anyway, I would like to state publically and for the record that A Clockwork Orange is one of the greatest movies ever made. Along with Cube and Transformers: The Movie.

suck it, dragon.

this is just wrong... yet...
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May 30, 2001 9.10pm est

Anyway, I started out thinking I would do a little writing tonight, turned out starting more than I think I can finish tonight. Well you will all just have to wait. I did post something, so dig for it if you like, I can't make any promises as to how rewarding a search may be however.

::&::
the ones I'm working on aren't at all like that which got posted, these, unlike much of the others, might be fairly good.

one more thing, I smell it brewing behind me again; whether phantom whisps or the perfume of coming events, I stand aware. beware.
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May 30, 2001 8.58pm est

I don't know whether to laugh or cry, Dave and I are sitting face to face about four feet apart and having a conversation on ICQ... actually it's not really a conversation, but still... ah well, it's funny at any rate.

In case the whole world doesn't already know, I have am now the proud owner of an NEC flat screen monitor... no no no, not flat panel, flat screen.

Wait a tick, The Dragon just defiled my guestbook with his presence... I command everyone who reads this page to send hate mail and gay porn subscriptions to him right now.
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May 29, 2001 4.41pm est

Today, ladies and gentlemen, is the last of my eight day work week. Are you as excited as I am? Probably not... in fact, chances are you don't care and couldn't care less if you tried, but I'm telling you anyway, 'cause that's just the way I am. Finally a day off. I'll try and finish my room up so it's habitable and then do some more stuff that doesn't involve Staples... The Office Superstore.

Everyone should go see the Inge Fan Club and sign the guestbook... don't try anything funny, the signatures are authorized before they're posted.

I was going to say something else, but I have a feeling I'd be late for work if I tried to "think". I hate thinking, thinking makes you look at the world and see what's there... eh, I'm going to stop before I go into another hour long ramble.

Oh, and I've been feeling like writing lately so watch out. I just haven't had time to do anything.
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May 27, 2001 9.53pm est

Everyone must check Tristans new quote. It's must see TV. And a very good point was brought to our attention by John "The ManBeef" Tonne... who is unfortunately no longer with us after commiting suicide because Tristan thought it would be funny; anyway Metallica's and Dave Mattew's lyrics are both far outdone by TOOL. So that settles that argument.
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May 25, 2001 5.38pm est

yup.
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May 24, 2001 12.25pm est

Oh my god. My mom's having a garage sale here at my house and she just uncovered one of my second grade literary masterpieces, "The Blob of Blood". Just as soon as I get my computer situated in my room and my scanner hooked up, I will post it. Nothing can prepare you.

Nothing.
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May 24, 2001 10.44am est

Is it just me, or is time really going fast? Seems like everytime I turn around another week has gone by. Huh.

Wouldn't you know it, I'll sit at my computer with ICQ running for three hours and nothing will happen, but as soon as I fall asleep I'll wake up an hour and a half later to five messages. Weird. Speaking of ICQ, I feel the world would be better off if I did not post a conversation between myself and Tristan, and for that very reason I am going to reveal all. Seems Tristan is under the delusion that Dave Mattews Band has better lyrics than Metallica... WELL I have only one thing to say to that:

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!:

Togaen: haha... hell yeah... you'll like my new update... muahahahaha... did you ever figure out who sent you the crush thing (it wasn't me... *wink wink*)

Tristan: hahah oh boy i will have to go check that out.

no, they do not tell you. you have to write down people you have a crush on or something and then if they match they tell you. boy i wish natalie would just stop


Tristan: hahaahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahhahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahaahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahhahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahah

Togaen: Tristan... you're going to have to put your foot down with her, I mean, people like her... you just have to be blunt.

Togaen: hahaha.. yess... you know you like it...

Tristan: haha i know but jeff, she has those puppy dog eyes so i can never get really really mad at her. but dammit it ends now!!!

hahahah "unadulterated lyrical genious"


Togaen: hahahaha... that's right, and you know it's true...

Tristan: typical mettalica lyrics
" If you can't stand the heat
stay out of the kitchen.
Penny saved
Penny earned
Horatio,
I knew him well"


Tristan: now a typical dave matthews kick ass and take numbers lyrical quest:
twenty three
i'm so tired of life
such a shame to throw it all away
the images grow darker still
could i have been anyone other then me?
then i
look up at the sky
my mouth is open wide, like and taste
what's the use in worrying, what's the use in
hurrying


Togaen: Typical Dave Matthews Band Lyrics:

"bla bla bla... look at me, I'm in band with 500 other people hoping that the cacophony produced by our myriad instruments drowns out the fact that none of us can play them... bla bla bla... and I am an alcoholic as well as have an eating disorder..."


Tristan: haahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahah hahahahahahahahahahahahahah
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Lias all of them.


Tristan: lies i meant

Togaen: Pshaw! Eat this:

"So I cry, to the alley way,
confess all to the rain,
but I lie, lie straight to the mirror,
the one I've broken to match my face..."


Tristan: yeah boy,we all know with metallica you can hear every instrument!!! not just a background sound..........ohhhhhhh!!!!:-)

Tristan: pshaw nothing comapred to my aresenal of DAVE

better side than most can dream
on a clearer road i feel
oh you could say she's safe
whatever tears at her
whatever holds her down
and if nothing can be done
she'll make the best of what's around


Togaen: hahahahaa.... oh now the gloves come off!

Tristan: hahah i challenge you to a dueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel

Tristan: For soon we will all find our lives swept away
Sit awhile with TV's hungry child
Big belly swelled
Oh, for a price of a coke or a smoke
Keep alive those hungy eyes
Take a look at me, what you see in me,
Mirror look at me

eat my quotes and die!!!


Togaen: haha... never!

"Withchery, weakening, sees the sheep are gathering,
set the trap, hypnotize, now you follow!

Time for lust, time for lies, time to kiss
your life goodbye, send me money, send me green, heaven you will met, make the contribution and you'll get a better seat..."


Tristan: hoe!!!

ten fingers we have each
nine planets around the sun repeat
eight ball is the last if you triumphant be
seven oceans pummel the shores of the sea
it's a typical situation
in the typical times
too many choices


Tristan: from same song

it all comes down to nothing
six senses feeling
five around a sense of self
four season turn on and turn off
i can see
three corners from this corner
two is a perfect number
but one
everybody's happy
everybody's free


Togaen: You are a worthy advesary... BUT NO MATCH FOR ME!! MUAHAHAHA!!!:

"Love it or leave it, she with the deadly bite,
quick is the blue tongue, forked as the lightening strike,
shining with brightness, always on surveillance,
the eyes they never close, emblem of vigilance

Don't tread on me

So be it
Settle the score,
to secure the peace is
to prepare for war"


Tristan: oh bring it, I got more resources that a hoe on sunday!

spring sweet rhythm dance in my head
slip into my lover's hands
kiss me won't you kiss me now
and sleep i would inside yoru mouth
don't be us too shy
knowing it's no big surprise
that i will wait for you
i will wait for no one but you
oh please lover lay down
spend this time with me
together share this smile


Togaen: And bring it I shall... HOE!

"I see faith in your eyes,
never you hear the discouraging lies,
I hear faith in your cries,
broken is the promise betrayal,
the healing hand held back by the deepened nail,
follow the god that failed"


Tristan: and so shall I!!!!!! may god have mercy on your soul!!

driving along on this highway
all these cars and upon the sidewalk
people in every direction
no words exchanged, no time to exchange and when
all the little ants are marching
red and black antennae waving
they all do it the same
they all do it the same way


Tristan: oh here is another...
she feeds him well his concerns he forgets them
and remembers being small
playing under the table and dreaming


Tristan: my blitzkreig of lyrics was too much hahahhahaha

Togaen: Oh... is that all you got?? BRING ON THE PAIN!!1:

"You just there screaming,
fearing no one was listening to you,
they say the empty can rattle the most,
the sound of your own voice must soothe you,
hearing only what you want to hear,
and knowing only what you've heard,
you.
You're smothered in tragedy and you're out to save the world
Misery.
You insist that the weight of the world should be on your shoulders.
Misery.
There's much more to life than what you see...
My friend Misery.


Togaen: Hardly! ; )

Tristan: whore!!!

Oh well oh well so here we stand
but we stand for nothing
my heart calls to me in my sleep
how can i turn to it
'cause i'm all locked up in this
dark place--
and i do not know i'm as good as dead
my head aches--
warped and tied up i need to kill this pain
my head won't leave my head alone
and i don't believe it will
until i'm dead and gone


Tristan: hell dave could take out mettalica with one song!!!

Togaen: OH oh oh oh oh... you're just ASKING for it now... EAT METALLICA'S SCROTUM GREASE!!!

Tristan: hsaaahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahah hahahahahahahahahahahahahah

Tristan: scrotum grease sounds nasty......how about you try a nice heaping portion of some DAVE LYRICS

my mind in knots--
my stomach reels in concern for what i might
do or
what i've done
it's got me living in fear
well i know these voices must
be my sould i've had my grave
lying wired and shut and quiet in my grave
leave me here
leave it to me to waste here
so young and here i am again
talking to myself


Togaen: Dave Mattews or Dave Tam? One can't tell, from just writings along, they share equal talent... (oh that was harsh... ; ) EAT COCK SHIT, WHORE!!:

"I'm your dream, make you real,
I'm your eyes when you must steal,
I'm your pain when you can't feel,
Sade but true,
I'm your dream, mind astray,
I'm your eyes while you're away,
I'm your pain while you repay,
You know it's sad but true"


Tristan: OW OW OW I am hobbling away on one leg after that attack, but wait, i have found salvation, and it is

my mind in knots--
my stomach reels in concern for what i might do or
what i've done
it's got me living in fear
well i know these voices must
be my sould i've had my grave
lying wired and shut and quiet in my grave
leave me here
leave it to me to waste here
so young and here i am again
talking to myself


Tristan: gosh..all these great genius lyrics from dave M....and I have only used 5 songs!!! hahah from his FIRST album. you kno you like it.

Togaen: Oh too bad you already used that one!! hahahahaha... what's the matter... Dave leave you a little lacking on quotes?

"Life it seems will fade away,
drifting further every day,
getting lost within myself,
nothing matters no one else,
I have lost the will to life,
simply nothing more to give
there is nothing more for me,
need the end to set me free"


Tristan: shit!!! i forgot to press copy again...ohhhhhhh this warrants a double bombing

oh how i wish i didn't smoke
or drink to reason with my head
but sometimes this thick confusion
grows utnil i cannot bear it all
needle to the vein
needle to the vein
take this needle from my vein my fiend
i said
in my grave
lying, lying cold in my grave
the reason--my reason
take my head off this terror


Tristan: make my great escape
i seem caught in time
my head leaves me behing
body fall cold
and i have seen heaven


Tristan: jeff comon i would like to get out of his first album sometime this year!!!!! haahahahahahahahahahahah

Togaen: hahaha.. oh bitch, I am just getting started!

"'Scuze me while I tend to how I feel
These things return to me that still seem real

Now deservingly this easy chair
But the rocking starts by wheels of despair

Don't want your aid
But the fist I've made
For years can't hold or feel
No, I'm not all me
So please excuse me
While I tend to how I feel

But now the dreams and waking screams
That ever last the night
So build a wall, behind it crawl
And hide until it's light
So can you hear your baby's cryin' now?"


Tristan: hey i wrote a poem like that too........IN FIRST GRADE!
hahha
work ourselves, fingers to the bone
suck the morrow, drain my sould
pay your dues, and your debts
pay your repects, everybody tells you
you pay for what you get
you pay for what you get


Togaen: Oooooooohhh... so YOU'RE the one behind all these dmb lyrics... ; )

"Hear me
And if I close my mind in fear
Please pry it open
See me
And if my face becomes sincere
Beware
Hold me
And when I start to come undone
Stitch me together
Save me
And when you see me strut
Remind me of what left this outlaw torn"


Tristan: hahaha funny you shoudl say behind!

lately i've been feeling low
a rememdy is what i'm seeking
i take a taste of what's below
come away to something better
what i want is what i've not got
but what i need is all around me
reaching seraching never stop
and i'll say....


Togaen: Yeah... behind.... just how Dave likes it...

"Fortune, fame
Mirror vain,
Gone insane...
But the memory remains

Heavy rings hold cigarettes
Up to lips that time forgets
While the Hollywood sun sets
Behind your back

And can't the band play on
Just listen, they play my song
Ash to ash
Dust to dust
Fade to black"


Tristan: pauses mettalica bashing for some paul bashing

he just wrote me
"sup sup t-Dawg"


Togaen: I am so... so sorry...

Tristan: *shivers* it is ok...i can do it. unlike mettalica!!!!!!!!!!!!

sometimes a jimi thing slides my and keeps me swingin'
i'd like to show you what's inside
i shouldn't care if you do or don't like it
brother chaos rule all about
sometimes i wlak there
well yes, god knows, sometimes i take a bus there
shouldn't care i shouldn't care bereaved as i'm feeling
the day is gone i'm on my back
string up at the ceiling


Togaen: SHIT!

"yeah
look it's me
the one who can't be free
Much too young to focus
but too old to see
Hey, look it's me
What no one wants to see
see what you brought this world
just what you wanna see
hey ma,
hey ma look it's me

Yeah, and he wants to be called father now
me again, me
the marks inside your arm spell me
spell only me
I'm the nothing face that plants the bomb
and strolls away
I'm the one who doesn't look quite right
as children play"


Tristan: here is what mettalica was thinking on that last one

"heyyyyy see can rhyme with a lot of things!!


Togaen: Yeah, they differ fundamentally with Dave M in that regard... you know... thinking and all....

Tristan: if by reciting trite phrases from big dog shirts then yes they are thinking:-)

and my hell is the closet i'm stuck inside
can't see the light
and my heaven is a nice house in the sky
got central heating and i'm alright
yeah yeah yeah can't see the light
keep it locked up inside don't talk about it
talk about the weather
yeah yeah yeah can't see the light
open up my head and let me out little baby
here we have been standing for a long long
time
treading trodden trails for a long long time
i find sometimes it's easy to be myself


Tristan: when everything else fails

eat, drink and be merry
for tomorrow we die


Togaen: hahaha... oh yes... BY THE CRAWLING HAND!!!

Togaen: hmm... *thinks to self* china buffet sounds pretty good right about now...

Tristan: hahahaha hmmmmmmmmmmm........ that might be something we bothhh agree on!

Togaen: hell yes...

Tristan: we can ride there!!!
dave is playing quake right now at dans...should we disturb his game?


Togaen: He's about eight feet away from me...
disturbance in process...


Tristan: oh ahahahh shit i forgot dan's comp is not at his house

Togaen: hehehe... I think I will go rape his nuts... and you should drive the beast here so we can go to china buffet...

Tristan: ohhhhhh not ride the bike.

Togaen: Or that...

Tristan: yeahhhhhhhh let me find money. and then i will be off

As you can clearly see, Metallica wipes the floor with da DMB, and Tristan for that matter, any day of the week, any week of the year. What makes my arguments even more powerful is the fact that about three years ago I heard a Dave Mattews Band song and I therefore have thorough knowledge of their entire musical catalogue and stylings.
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May 23, 2001 6.08pm est

so much... stuff, only one phrase does my mood justice:

damn it.
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May 23, 2001 7.36am est

I hate junk e-mail. Yea for me, I get to work at eight o'clock in the morning. I feel like I'm back in school. Oh well. Ever feel like the planets align just right so that not only can you not eat your cake, but you can't have it either? You get to see it though, oh yes, you get to stare at it. It's pulled fresh from the oven to titalize your wanton senses, and you're allowed to get as close as you want... which of course only makes it worse. I live my life in depravity. Sad part is, I can easily see it always being this way.

Well anyway, enough with my lugubrious banter... haha, that's an oxymoron; and I didn't even realize it until after I wrote it. Gol-ly, the day is just pregnant with surprise.

bye.
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May 22, 2001 11.44am est

The higher you are,
the farther you fall,
the longer the walk,
the farther you crawl,
my body my temple,
this temple it tells:
"Step into the house that Jack built..."

You know you like it, it is unadulterated lyrical genious; unlike some other band, who by the way, has a name about as original as Tristan's e-mail address.

Anyway, now that that small matter is taken care of, I have one thing to say... Lateralus kicks and Tool 0wnz. Mtv must have made a mistake last night too, 'cause at about two o'clock in the morning they played the video for Schism... I was all like "what? they're playing something good?? WHOA!"

I KNOW THE PIECES FIT

Staples is hiring someone else to work in my department... why do I mention this? Because it means I won't be one of two people that work there now, that's why. What does this mean to you, the intrepid reader? Why, it means that *gasp* I won't be working such god damned atrocious hours and therefore will be able to bother everyone with my presence more efficiently. You see, it's not that I work too many hours, they're just nice and inconvenient hours... just enough to kill every day of the week but not enough to keep me from sitting around being bored all the time. Lovely combo, is it not?

Another point of infinite interest, I soon plan to have filled up my disposable camera that I've had for about a million years and thusly will be posting some mo' pictures. Yes, that's right, it's a disposable camera, and mock its photographic abilities all you may, but it is I, yes I, who am laughing... all the way to the bank!... Yeah, all the a-way... nice.

Is it healthy to talk to yourself like that? Probably not. But anyway. I think I'll kill this update before it kills me. L8rz y'all. ----------------------------------

May 21, 2001 11.42am est

This is starting to drive me nuts, if anyone knows who sent me an email ninja assasin, please tell.
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May 20, 2001 10.07pm est

My god... we're whipping this house into shape. I've got my room just about finished up. This will most definately be cool.
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May 20, 2001 11.38am est

For some reason, freeservers started not liking the .htaccess file that specified error pages... so I removed it and all seems to work now. Unfortunately however, you no longer are privy to my witty 404's. I know, you are all infinitely disappointed.
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May 18, 2001 8.49pm est

Frustration... thy name is Jeff.
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May 14, 2001 6.22pm est

I think this falls under the "life altering" category, even if it is only benign... I make this update from my summer home! Yes, that is right, I have completed the moving process. Though at the moment I am sitting in the corner of the dining room with my computer on the floor in front of me... moved yes, but put away no. Oh well, at least that's the fun part.

As a corollary to this update, I've found a bunch of books that I thought I had lost forever. Aren't you all happy? Yeah, thought so. I'm currently trying to decide which room I should take. Hmm. Anyone have any suggestions? ; )
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May 13, 2001 7.17pm est

Message from Tristan:

Wouldn't it be funny if John was eating somewhere in Germany...and a plane landed on him...but only him. And then Leena saw the plane and it reminded her of me (being so big and studly) so she looks at Johns mangled corpse, laughs, and heads to the USA with Inge. That would be cool.
+++

More from Tristan:
  Crack Dog: Part 2
  New Tristonius Dictum quote
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May 12, 2001 8.38pm est

Upon reading this sad news, Jeff withdrew his hands from keyboard and mouse, rested weary elbow on sorrowful knee, and forgetting the tritely quarrels of daily life, wept quietly into his palms.


Douglas Adams
=====================
So long, and thanks for all the books;
we'll miss you old chap.
Douglas Adams 1952 - 2001
=====================

"The lights went out in his eyes for absolutely the very last time ever."

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May 10, 2001 5.24pm est - by Dave

God I love life!! Oh wait, I was just joking. Yeah, seriously joking. Has anyone looked at the gas prices lately? Woooo!! Damn. Well, I can't stop using gas cuz I'd be stuck in one place. Either Bowling Green or Angola. I'd ride my bike and try to do some aerobics but....I think i'd kill myself before I ride 90 miles back and forth on my bike. Ok, news in other people's lives, Dave won't have electricity in his new apartment until Monday. Yea!! :o) Other than that, I'm moving in Friday. Graduation of cousin's Sat. Mother's day sunday. shit....my my, excuse my inappropraite language!! I'm so sorry. Not!! FUCK YOU!! "If you find a hundred dollars on the groud, that's mine. If you find a playboy, that is mine as well. If you find a piece of paper on the floor that says "FUCK YOU MOTHA FUCKA!!" You can keep dat." Yeah, Finals are over but I don't know if I will be taking summer school yet. Well, that's the news of my current state of life as of now. Oh oh, if anyone has any suggestions on what to get my cousin for his graduation, let me know. I was thinking a card that says he is conceited and then a dildo or something so he can use on himeself. Only I'll make it look like a joke but in reality, he deserves it. But that's all folks. I don't have anymore to say. If I do, I'll be sure to write Jeff here. Till then, later ya'll.
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May 10, 2001 7.45am est - by Tristan

Why are you, Tristan, so damn studly?
Wel the simple answer is that I have 34 percent more STUD DNA than most normal studs. Therefore making me a "super stud" of sorts

Who is Natalie Portman and why does she yearn for you something awful?
This is a crazy world we live in, and yes Natalie wants me bad. She will not leave me alone. sheesh oh peesh that girl needs some help.

Why does john suck so much but you still manage to kick ass and take numbers?
I do not know...maybe it has something to do with STUD DNA

Why was dave so hot when he was 9?
i dunno...but damn

Can I just give you money?
Yes, yes you can
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May 09, 2001 3.49pm est

Changed some stuff; and do you have any idea how maddening this is? For me anyway.
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May 09, 2001 10.30am est

_-=:THIS JUST IN:=-_


Ok people, you can all breathe a collective sigh of relief, I think my knee is better. It actually started out as a probable case of shin splints (as diagnosed by Dr. Tristan Reitz) which left nasty bruises all up and down my leg. Then my knee started to feel weird, but I think that was just my tibia splintering into a million pieces.

Anyhoozle, I think it's all good now, and starting next week I shall again put the pressure upon it and run around like monkey that just got fucked up the ass by an elephant.

_-=:IN OTHER NEWS:=-_


Come on people, these things don't write themselves (read: I am lazy). Send your earth shattering news to togaen@locl.net and I will post the stuff.
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May 09, 2001 9.28am est

"Cats are weird. Dogs think- hey, these people feed me, and pet me and take care of me- they must be God!

Cats think- hey, these people feed me, and pet me and take care of me- I must be God!"

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May 08, 2001 12.36pm est

Okay, I am mad. There is a poll on Netscape.com that asks who is most to blame for high gas prices, oil companies, wasteful drivers, or government taxes...

We all know the answer is obviously wasteful drivers... but that only got 12% of the vote. That's right, 12%. You know who got 70% of the vote? oil companies. Yes, that's right. The American people honestly believe oil companies are behind this, yes, the same people who buy SUV's the size of a school bus that get 12 miles per gallon to go to the grocery store really think that oil companies are the ones to blame.

Did you know that Exxon, the worlds largest oil company, just recently made a profit for the first time in four years?

Do you know why they made a profit? Not because they raised the price of gas... but because when they raised the price of gas, people used more of it. That's right, people are using more gas now that it's more expensive. Now how can anyone honestly say that the oil companies are at fault? Even with everything else aside you can just look at simple economics. Supply and demand. People are willing to pay that much for gas, ergo, the companies charge that much. To blame the oil companies is ludicrous. It's your own hypocritical damn fault John Q. Public, if you want the prices to come down, exercise your power as a consumer and stop buying the stuff. This country is full of morons.

And yes. Yes, I realize some people have to buy gas regardless of the price, I'm speaking of those fucking suburban commando soccer mom's that buy vehicles that weigh more than their house and then go to McDonalds and sit in the drive-through with the thing idling for twenty minutes.

When did logic and reason go out of fashion? Or were they ever in fashion?

Rampant idiocy, that's what it is. Why, back in my day...
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May 07, 2001 4.50pm est

Well hot damn, riding a bike is like... well... riding a bike, ya never really forget how to do it. I just got my bike fixed and was tooling around town; gosh, it was like it was never broke. I don't think I've really ridden a bike for two years, but it was just like old times.

I'm going back out now, that was too much fun, and this is too boring.
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May 07, 2001 9.29am est

Q: What do you call an Montana farmer with a sheep under each arm?

A: A Pimp.

Q: What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?

A: A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
----------------------------------

May 06, 2001 9.01am est - by Paul

I wanna know when the HELL this LAN party is gonna happen at the new house?! We need to get that place fraggin' ASAP! The second thing I have is that I am currently running my 750 Duron at 904mhz!!! Oh yes.. I have successfully overclocked the living SHIT out of my Duron! And it's ROCK SOLID! With the case sides off it idles at around 100F.. and heats up to around 105F after running Unreal Tourney for a while. Well I'm off to run some benchmarks. L8erz all.
----------------------------------

May 04, 2001 2.53pm est - by Dave

-First of all it wansn't a clown outfit, it was a monkey suit. Second, I would like everyone to know, school is almost over for me! And for those of you who are done well....then....you're done!! Oh and Tristan is a unfertilized sperm. Ah, the approaching summer. Can't wait till school is almost over. Only about 7 more weeks man!! Wooohooo!! And like that's the end for today folks. Jeff is the Quake Master and I haven't played Quake in a while. That reminds me......
----------------------------------

May 03, 2001 10.17pm est - by Tristan

Ok, so Marsha was telling Jamie that Tom had broken up with her, but I was like all, no wayyyyy and stuff, but Tom, was like YESSSS WAYY, so I was totally like get away tom and junk, but tom was all like...yeahh whatever, so I like called Tiffanny to give her the 411 but SHE was all like, well maybe it is not Tom's fault, and I was like yeah..in a dream world Tif, I actually said that. So Tiff told REBECCA, who was totally not with it because she was somewhere else or something buying red shoes, oh god red shoes, what is with THAT? I mean comon, red. that is like sooo 2 and a half months ago, so anyway Amber came over and told me about Jeremy and stuff, and I was all like GET OUt, and she was like TOTALLY!! And I was like GET OUT, and she was like TOTALLY, so like we both ate 3 pints of chocalte ice cream, ya know the stuff that is dark brown and junk that is forzen, and we like cried FOREVER
----------------------------------

May 03, 2001 9.01am est

Teh Funnay:

There are these two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, she brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left."

"Would you care to do it again?" He asks her. "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! Except... let's change positions this time. I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head."
----------------------------------

May 02, 2001 4.30pm est

Yeah, okay, time for Jeff to stop writing so much stupid crap here. Only life altering updates from now on.

Anyone want to follow in Dave's footsteps? No I don't mean dressing like a clown and running through crowded public areas screaming "get them away... GET THEM AWAY... AHHHH... they won't leave me alone... THE VOICES!!" (he'll deny it, but it happened), if anyone wants to post something here, just ship it express to togaen@locl.net
----------------------------------

May 02, 2001 4.19pm est

I think something is wrong with my knee, it doesn't feel right. I'll be sure to keep y'all posted, 'cause I know how interested everyone is in the status of my left knee...

*cough*
----------------------------------

May 02, 2001 10.20am est

You know what exciting hijinks I was up to last night? I was organizing my clothes... oh yes... and it was so exciting that I thought I would share it here with the world... little did I know it was in fact so exciting that as soon as I was done I forgot to.
----------------------------------

May 02, 2001 8.25am est

Wouldn't that just be my luck, I thought I had a final this morning, but in actuality I don't. Dag-nabbit.
----------------------------------

May 01, 2001 11.38pm est

School
is
out.

w00t!

hellloooooo summer! Party at my house! Be there or be... um... somewhere else... I guess.
----------------------------------

May 01, 2001 3.12pm est

Find what's new, win some nookie... er, I mean, a cookie... yeah...

Oh what the hell, I'll throw in the nookie too.
----------------------------------

May 01, 2001 9.22am est

Do cats have something against things that fall over and break easily? Seriously, oh by the way, everyone knows we have two cats now, right? Yup, mother decided to adopt another feline. Anyway, this new cat hasn't yet learned that Jeff's room is "off limits". So what does it do? It jumps up onto my window sill where I have three potted plants and of course knocks over the biggest one. Damn cat.

That makes two of the three plants up there I've had to repot because of an errant pussy. At least this one wasn't a cactus.

On a side note, we're still looking for a third person in the house venture this summer, so someone come join us... it'll be fun.
----------------------------------

May 01, 2001 7.44am est

MAY DAY! MAY DAY!

hehe... m3 = teh funny

----------------------------------

April 29, 2001 10.03pm est

So anyway, what I was getting at in the hour and a half it took me to write the previous update is... my chair kicks ass. Everyone should go get one of these things. Just enter your zip code and bathe in the love.
----------------------------------

April 29, 2001 8.35pm est

W.W.J.D.?


Yes, what would Mr. Carmack do? I wish I could meet him, that would be cool.

I can't wait for summer to commence... a fresh, brand spanking new start. Time to get my life in order.

It's good to have someone to look up to, it helps. Kind of a pillar of strength to grab onto when you slip. Even if you know the pillar isn't there, it doesn't matter because you believe it is. The difference between knowing something and believing something is immeasurably large; it's that whole doublethink idea.

Knowing something doesn't mean anything unless you believe it. In a war, the person who wins isn't the one who knows he's right... it's the one who believes he's right.

Knowledge by itself is meaningless, inert. Unless backed by belief it lacks life. That's what separates a genius. He is one who truly believes what he is doing, who can feel in his being what is right wrong, who makes the knowledge a part of himself rather than an oddity to reference at need.

Much like centrifugal force, knowledge is illusionary. Fictitious. It's what you get when someone who really believes something, shares that something with someone who does not believe it. That person then knows the beliefs, but not believing them himself, isolates them and locks them away as an animal at a zoo.

Pretty to look at, but do not feed.

It's funny really, how the more you come to understand the nature of the universe the more you realize that it really doesn't matter. Why not? Well why would it? Say for a moment we understand the universe completely... now what? I'll tell you: nothing. There is no award ceremony and retirement for the human race, we just keep going. If ever we come to that point this is what will happen: people will be briefly excited, then become bored and look for something else to work toward. I personally would love to see this in my lifetime as I can garuantee that the something everyone will turn to is the arts. Would that be splendid? A race of artisans... bliss. In art, there is no perfection, it's an endless struggle, it's what everyone really wants, though most are reluctant to admit.

That, to quote Charles and Mambo of Duckman fame, is the quintessential paradox of the twentieth century. Of mankind really. And it's true. That true perfection is found only in imperfection. It's the small creaks in the floor, the doors that don't shut right, the leakey faucet that make a house a home after all. Would anyone read a five hundred page book in which nothing went wrong? In which everyone was happy and there was no conflict? Hell no. Why? It's boring. As was stunningly exemplified in that episode of Duckman, humanity would survive perfection only briefly, soon turning the 'perfect' world into one of disorder and chaos. A world much more hostile and uninviting, dangerous, abusive, intolerant and evil...

The truly perfect world.

You want a perfect world folks? Look around, here it is. We subsist on change. Have you ever noticed that throughout history, times of peace last the least? Have you ever noticed that the times in history most talked about, most studied, most exciting, are those times in which humanity was at it's worst? Who among us has studied Pax Romania to the extent of World War II? Anyone? Yeah, didn't think so. Who here has even heard of it? You don't see the History channel sporting marathons spouting off time and again the rampant peace and prosperity of the times, much less people watching it over and over and over again. The human race, my friends, is like a woman. To say they want one thing, and really want another.

You see, this is my proof for the non-existence of "God". The reason we oscillate so is that we have no benchmark. We have no set value with which to judge our conditions. Supposedly, our foundations would be God and the Devil... but in reality we set our own. We judge what we have on what we have seen; it's all relative. Two hundred years ago it was perfectly acceptable to own slaves and still feel secure that your place in heaven was sure. Now, such a thing would surely condemn a man to hell. And there are things now that are perfectly acceptable that I'm sure in future time will condemn a man to hell. You see what I'm getting at... there is no set measure of goodness or badness, it's whatever we make of it; and since that is a power usually set aside for a deity to have, I can draw no conclusion other than we are our own God.

My only god is mankind.

It's a dangerous way of thinking though, you have to be careful how you do it. Too often (and I have been guilty myself) a person will start to question everything with "why?". While there's nothing intrinsically wrong with this it's more productive to use "why not?". Granted, they are both valid approaches, but the former renders the questioner a useless, fettering lump of wasted flesh, while the latter offers boundless opportunities to experience the highest highs and lowest lows. It offers change, and that, as medically proven, is what we actually feel.

Ever worn glasses and forgot they were on?

Try this for me, pick a spot on the floor and just stare at it without moving your eyes. That part is vital. It takes a little practice, but once you get the hang of it you notice something. If you stare long enough without moving your eyes you lose your sight. Yes, it's true, I've done it myself. It's only temporary of course, but your field of visions goes gray and eventually you are totally blind. Of course, as soon as you move your eyes and blink a few times you can see. My point is, that having no solid base for measurement, our bodies measure differences, and if you stare at one thing long enough that doesn't change, it no longer registers and thusly disappears. That's why society keeps changing. It has to, otherwise, it would disappear. We would die.

Having said all that, I can safely say that the universe revolves around me. Yes, it does. Yes, really. How can I say that? Easy. I can say that, simply because I am the one saying it. Looking out from my eyes, I see a world. No matter where I turn, the world is there, spread out in infinite direction all around me. It's simply a child's leap of logic then that I am the center of the universe. Selfish? No, it's realistic. And a grand realization it was. Liberating. I've never felt so free. I'm convinced the world would be a happier place if everyone thought like me.

haha... where have you heard that before? I'll tell you: in your own head.

Deny it if you will, but everyone thinks this at one point or other. And everyone is right. If the world consist of one viewpoint, one rationale it would be a happier place. People would truly understand one another. Wouldn't that be wonderful? Doesn't make one iota of difference whose viewpoint it is, be it the Pope's or Larry Flynt's... the only thing that would be important would that everyone share it.

People take living too seriously. That's my humble opinion anyway. You live, great. You die, oh well. No biggy. That's the kind of thinking you get when you realize there is no grand purpose to work for, rather, just a huge circle we keep running around and around in. It's best then, to just enjoy it. It's the only thing to do really. Just have fun. Why, you ask? Why not, I say. We're all just a flook anyway, existance, reality, the universe, none of it really "exists". All that we see or seem, is but a dream within a dream. So in answer the eternal question: why does the universe exist? there is only a smile, a smirk, and the words "why not."
----------------------------------

April 29, 2001 5.42pm est

Is it just me, or was Final Fantasy VII just the best game ever made? I never wanted that game to end... hours passed like minutes and whatnot; it was such a great escape. I'm listening to MIDI's from it right now; I wish I had something like that again... same way with DOOM, I remember playing that on my 386 at like 5 frames per second and just loving it... and with Lord of the Rings, when I read those books I just completely lost myself, I'd start at 10 and night, and read until 3 in the morning; and I wouldn't even realize it, I got so wrapped up in those books it took me awhile to convince myself they weren't real. And the Hyperion series. After turning the last page I was so sad it was over... I almost wrote the author to beg him to keep writing those books.

I love so much the escape of fantasy... but that's enough for now.
----------------------------------

April 29, 2001 5.20pm est

To kick off the end of the school year I'm becoming ill. Yes, that's right, mere days after proudly announcing the potency of my immune system, it fails me. But that seems to be the way things go, so no big surprise. I don't know what the hell it is... maybe it'll kill me; wouldn't that be grand? An end to the suffering. Mmmmm, that thought rolls off the mind much as a sweet slithers across the tongue...

sweetly,
effortlessly,
blissfully and serenely....

But enough of my morbidity. I certainly hope everyone is having a more enjoyable Sunday than I am, I know some of you are. If'n anyone wants to tell me about their festivities, please do; vicarious excitement is better than none at all. I'm going to wallow in misery for a bit, then figure ways to talk myself out of studying for finals.
----------------------------------

April 29, 2001 11.09am est

yeah
yup
yep
nothing
I don't know

eeny, meeny, miney, moe... if anyone is reading this, don't, I'm just clearing my head.
----------------------------------

April 28, 2001 9.03pm est

Ah hell, who am I kidding... certainly not myself. Have you ever had one of those great opportunities and then completely and irreversibly blown it?

El mucho suckage. The kinda thing that just makes you want to scream FUCK at the top of your lungs all day.

Hm, fuckballs and shitnuggets; and it's worse when you realize your blowing it before it's completely gone... eh, that doesn't sound right, but bear with me... it makes you use that crazy little "if" word ALOT when you think back...

If only... the biggest little phrase in the English language.

I don't know, I just dunno; back to the drawing board for little old me.
----------------------------------

April 28, 2001 6.41pm est

I'm in the mood for a nap.
----------------------------------

April 27, 2001 10.11am est

OH MY GOD. I'm in love... with this CHAIR. Sweet mother of Mary, my ass is simply tingling with pleasure! Jebus Cripes!!

I never wanna get up...
----------------------------------

April 26, 2001 5.33pm est

Look ma! No underlines!

I changed a few colors also.
----------------------------------

April 26, 2001 5.05pm est

Holy crap, it's 5pm already? Shit. Well anyway, on to the update:

I just flew in from New Orleans, and boy is my ass sore!

Actually I didn't just fly in from New Orleans... and actually, my ass isn't sore (for once), because I just got a spiffy new chair. You see, I sit at my computer so much, that my back was starting to hurt; ya know, because the chair I was using was about as ergonomic as cheese grater (and cheese graters, as a rule, aren't all that ergonomic, despite what Tristan will tell you).

So I had a problem. Now, one might argue that I should have just spent less time at the computer... to anyone who would say that, I say this:

shut up.

No, I opted to do the right thing ('right' in this use not having the traditional meaning of, "being in accordance with reason and/or truth", but instead meaning, "stupid and/or damaging") and spend a week's paycheck on a chair. Yes, it was that expensive. Dumb, you say? Sure. Waste of money you declare? Obviously. Encouraging my bad habit, you remark? Duh.

But there's a smile on my face, and that's all that really matters in the end.
----------------------------------

April 26, 2001 1.51pm est

Jump, jump!
The mac dad'll make ya...
jump, jump!
Ah Daddy mac'll make ya...
jump, jump!
Kriss Kross'll make ya...
jump, jump!

Oh man... meeeemmooooriiieesss....
And yes, I did download it.
----------------------------------

April 26, 2001 12.18pm est

Why is that right after I brag about how I'm never sick, I get a sore throat?
Gee, don't I feel stupid. Sheesh.
----------------------------------

April 25, 2001 11.57am est

In other news:

Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.
----------------------------------

April 24, 2001 4.18pm est

Blueberry muffin batter =
Mmm mmm good!

Certainly better than cottage cheese.
----------------------------------

April 24, 2001 12.41pm est

I just realized something... I am never sick. I mean really, the last time I was actually sick was when I had bronchitis in Middle School.

Yes, I am just that damn good. I guess eating those dead worms on the blacktop during recess gave me the immune system from hell. Or maybe it was the dead spiders...
----------------------------------

April 24, 2001 12.41pm est

Shit. Why did I have to see that? I was having a good day. Dammit to hell. Oh well.

Well fuck, can't stop me now bitch, I goin' all the way to da top baby! HELL YEAH.
; )
----------------------------------

April 23, 2001 11.57pm est

What's that? A light at the end of the tunnel?

I'll be damned.
----------------------------------

April 23, 2001 5.09pm est

Liar. I hate liars.
----------------------------------

April 23, 2001 3.36pm est

...

I would give everything, drop it all without even thinking about it.
----------------------------------

April 22, 2001 11.38am est

Find what's new, win a prize.
----------------------------------

April 20, 2001 9.15pm est

On a side note, AC/DC's new album really kicks. Go get it. Dammit, I'm really getting into them.
----------------------------------

April 20, 2001 9.12pm est

bleeeeeeeeeeeeech.
----------------------------------

April 20, 2001 9.11pm est

Too many days like this, that's why my head isn't right. People always ask me what the hell is wrong with my brain, and it's this right here, too many days like this one.
----------------------------------

April 20, 2001 9.07pm est

WITHDRAWL.
----------------------------------

April 20, 2001 8.07pm est

This is ridiculous. I swear to god if I spend one more weekend like this I'll die.
----------------------------------

April 20, 2001 11.54am est

Still on that subject, a few days ago while I was at work I was in the process of walking up front when one of my co-workers said, "Porn star... dude... I look at you and I see a porn star"

Now I've been told I've been on Americas Most Wanted and that I am a porn star... I love being me. : )
----------------------------------

April 20, 2001 11.42am est

Marilyn Manson taught me a new word:

ersatz - adj: a replica or copy, especially an inferior one.

Nothing turns me on more than someone who can teach me something I wanna know.

Speaking of me being turned on, the offer below still stands.
----------------------------------

April 16, 2001 5.15pm est

Anybody out there in TV land want to rent a house over the summer with a couple hot and horny prim and proper college guys? We need one at least more person to rent with us and if it's any incentive... how about a 24/7 LAN party? Well not really, but we'll have DSL and a Client-Server network set up to feed the need.

So if anyone's interested, lemme know...

Let him know too.

There's a two car garage we plan on turning into l33t g33k central for this shitty town, so if you want to be part of what is sure to become legend... act fast.

Our only requirments are that you are able to pay rent and... uhh... that you don't suck. So if you meet these stringent requirements and wanna rock the block with us... grab a line, and drop carefully here and/or here.
----------------------------------

April 16, 2001 1.48pm est

All I wanted to do was take a nice jog to the cemetary but noooooooo... I had to be attacked by a foaming Cerebus half way there.

Okay, so maybe 'attacked' should be replaced with 'followed by' and foaming Cerebus with 'foaming mutt'. Seemed harmless enough, but wearing shorts and no sleeves I didn't particularly feel like fending for my life against some rabid hellspawn dog.

Little bastard.
----------------------------------

April 16, 2001 10.19am est

Damn... it's the 16th already? Seems like just yesterday it was the 15th...
----------------------------------

April 15, 2001 11.23pm est

I just realized something, my life is a waiting room. When my eyes are closed I drift into my fantasies... when they're open I try to forget the fantasies exist. All waiting to see which is what and what is which. I don't much like living vicariously, but it does for now... not well, but it tides me over. I just wish I knew.

This, I guess, is one surprise that I rather wasn't a surprise.
----------------------------------

April 15, 2001 10.50pm est

What's this? Alphabetical order? Yeah, well don't complain if I messed up, the first F I ever got was on an alphabetization test.
----------------------------------

April 14, 2001 12.25pm est

"Sometimes I feel I've got to
run away
I've got to
get away..."


Everyone go download Scarborogh Fair. It's good.
----------------------------------

April 13, 2001 12.40pm est

This conversation made possible via the wonder of ICQ:

Dave PC: Home already? Guess what?

Togaen: Yeah, got off early... what?

Dave PC: I just stabbed myself with a screwdriver.

Togaen: Slick

Dave PC: Thanks.

Dave PC: Guess what? I love your ass.

Togaen: Who doesn't?

Dave PC: Don't know.

Togaen: okay

Dave PC: Where have you been young man?

Togaen: Wackin it

Dave PC: Oh really? You silly boy you.

Togaen: brb

Dave PC: k

Togaen: Hey bitch

Dave PC: whore!!

Togaen: Nut rag!!!!!!!!!!!

Dave PC: Give it up. YOu suck!

Togaen: LIck me

Dave PC: You suck!! YOu have no proof.

Togaen: Watch this bitch

Dave PC: Don't even

Dave PC: Whatever

Dave PC: WHATEVA!!

Dave PC: You blow ass!!

Togaen: Hey, sack.

Dave PC: dusch

Togaen: testicle shitting rectal wart

Dave PC: wart golem.

Togaen: ass blaster 5000

Dave PC: Ass golem blaster 2947293742374

Togaen: star splangled splooge

Dave PC: Cum guzzler 2057455384375209450

Togaen: smegma face

Dave PC: Cum Volcano eater.

Togaen: pus chugger

Dave PC: Dick inhaler.

Togaen: Genital wart

Dave PC: I like Dick Inhaler better.

Dave PC: awwww pooor jeff.

Dave PC: Nut sucker.

Togaen: Crack smugler

Dave PC: Crack sniffer.

Togaen: crotch blotch

Dave PC: Nut stubble crack dickler.

Togaen: spermicidal butt eradicator

Dave PC: Dimple dick dockner

Dave PC: dick grappler

Dave PC: Dickle spickle cock coroner corporal.

Togaen: wrappley grappley snatchilius snatchums crack cornilias common cocker sperm juggler

Dave PC: Snatchus whorus.

Togaen: schlong snorkler

Dave PC: Snorkalling spanky the monkey.

Togaen: wad snorter

Togaen: wank mortar

Dave PC: mortar butt stopper slobbler.

Dave PC: Wanker cum stopper.

Dave PC: Butt Booby buster Snatchous.

Dave PC: Cum Corparal.

Dave PC: Sargent Semen.

Togaen: Rowen

Togaen: harharhar

Togaen: yo yo

Togaen: sdoirfulswu

Togaen: aslruiwlru

Dave PC: You are gay

Togaen: Phuq you and yoru ass.

Dave PC: Lick my ass

Togaen: no!

Togaen: pud

Togaen: Togaen 0wnz j00!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dave PC: Fuck you!

Togaen: HAHAHAHAHAH

Dave PC: Phuq yous

Togaen: PH34R mY l33t Sk1llz!!!!!!!!!!!

Dave PC: Shitz!!

Togaen: Mwhahahahahahahahaha

Togaen: cock dragon

Dave PC: No, it's Rowen.

Togaen: Rowen... what a fag name

Dave PC: Phuq you. YOu non understanding piece of poop.

Dave PC: Bitch, I got your gay ass emails.

Togaen: HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Dave PC: BITCH!!

ICQ... what would the world be without it.
----------------------------------

April 13, 2001 12.54am est

My computer is my best friend.

It's not a joke; and it's not funny.
----------------------------------

April 13, 12.10am est

Juicy Tristan
----------------------------------

April 11, 2001 9.50pm est

A winter's day
In a deep and dark December
I am alone
Gazing from my window
To the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow

I am a rock
I am an island

I've built walls
A fortress deep and mighty
That none may penetrate
I have no need for friendship
Friendship causes pain
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.

I am a rock
I am an island

Don't talk of love
Well, I've heard the word before
It's sleeping in my memory
I won't disturb the slumber
Of feelings that have died
If I'd never loved,
I never would have cried

I am a rock
I am an island

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armor
Hiding in my room
Safe within my womb
I touch no-one and no-one touches me

I am a rock
I am an island
And the rock feels no pain
And an island never cries

-Simon and Garfunkel, I am a Rock
----------------------------------

April 10, 2001 9.45pm est

Tristonius Dictum.

Check it.
----------------------------------

April 07, 2001 1.19pm est

If if's and but's were cookies and nuts...

huh-huh-huh... he said, "buts"
heh-heh yeah, and "nuts" heh-heh-heh
----------------------------------

April 06, 2001 12.53pm est

You down wit' OCP?
Yeah you know me!


damn I'm bored.
----------------------------------

April 05, 2001 12.56pm est

Come on guys, help a brudda out... get over to stileproject.com and donate at least a dollar to get the project back up and running. I did my part with $5... come on, do it you heartless bastards, else how will you sleep at night?
----------------------------------

April 04, 2001 10.00am est

Just great, SomethingAwful.com and stileproject.com are both in the dog house... is there no god? Is nothing sacred? What is this world coming to when quality family entertainment sites like these just can't cut it while sites like these can?

Oops, I meant these... sorry.
----------------------------------

April 02, 2001 1.24pm est

Another Tristonius quote...

And oh...

HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(haha, get it? it's not april fool's... that's why it's so funny... see, 'cause... oh nevermind, I'm just lazy)
----------------------------------

March 31, 2001 8.38pm est

This is funny as hell, I busted a nut laughing when I first read it, it's from the SomethingAwful guide to Spring Break:

"When a girl asks you if you have a girlfriend, she is really telling you that she might want to sleep with you. You can handle the situation in many different ways.
  • Girl: "So, do you have a girlfriend?"
  • Hakan: "Yeah, actually."
  • Girl: "Oh really, what's she like? Describe her."
  • Hakan: "Well, she's got 500 MHz, P3 processor, 128 Mb of RAM..." (glancing around) "...and I'm talking to myself again, as usual."
This is no good, you must keep the illusion you have a girlfriend (because girls like things they can't have, and if another girl likes you there must be a reason) but give an excuse so it's reasonable that you can fool around with someone else.
  • Girl: "So, do you have a girlfriend?"
  • Hakan: "Yeah... well sort of. I think she's cheating on me with a good friend of mine."
  • Girl: "Awww, I'm sorry. Wanna talk about it in my hotel room?"
  • Hakan: "If it'll shut you the hell up.""
----------------------------------

March 31, 2001 12.49pm est

Pop quiz hotshot, read the list below and say the color of the word, not what color the word spells... ready? Go:

orange
yellow
blue
black
white
purple
red
blue
purple
black
white
yellow


This update made possible via the wonder of inline frames.
----------------------------------

March 30, 2001 11.50am est - Dave

Everyone, I'm posting something for Jeff today (Me, Dave). I'm really dead ass bored as you can tell. Anyway, how many of you actually read Jeff's daily updates beside me? I know, I'm pathetic but seeing that I have no life I might as well find something to do. Did you know, besides Jeff I am the greatest Quake player in the world? But Jeff doesn't count because he cheats. That makes me number #1. Anyway, I can't think of anything else to say. I'm mainly just blabbing. But thanks Jeff for posting my babble onto your site. I guess I'll talk to ya'll later. Come back ya hear! See yA!
----------------------------------

March 29, 2001 3.07pm est

"I wanna live, I wanna love, but it's a long hard road out of hell!"
----------------------------------

March 26, 2001 8.30am est

"We attended the nVidia / DirectX party that night, which provided me with enough free gin to forget that I was wedged inside a room full of people who were shouting over a band so they could discuss anti-aliasing. Eventually the geek factor hit critical levels and everybody was thrown out of the bar, recreating the scene from "Ghostbusters" when the ghost containment unit was shut down and the place exploded, sending a shower of otherworldly specters across the unprepared city."

Ahhh, my people.
----------------------------------

March 26, 2001 1.16am est

This sucks, I woke up at eight o'clock this morning, and I can't get to sleep. What the hell. I laid in bed for two hours... nothing. Now I've got a headache and my gums are bleeding. I need some tranquilizers or something.
----------------------------------

March 25, 2001 11.07pm est

blech.
----------------------------------

March 25, 2001 11.44am est

One thing is for certain, that certainty is always uncertain.
----------------------------------

March 24, 2001 11.13pm est

It itches it itches it itches...

I want to break free.
----------------------------------

March 24, 2001 10.40am est

I think I'm going to have to get some Pearl Jam records... yes, yes, that would be good.
----------------------------------

March 23, 2001 10.00am est

Stabbing Westward::
Wither, Blister, Burn & Peel:
Shame, What Do I Have to Do
----------------------------------

March 22, 2001 4.33pm est

It never ends.

Check out Tristonius Dictum.
----------------------------------

March 21, 2001 1.59pm est

Men are not dogs, dogs spend at least several hours a day grooming themselves.
----------------------------------

March 20, 2001 10.02pm est

"The more things change, the more they stay the same."

Name that quote, get a cookie.
----------------------------------

March 19, 2001 10.58pm est

"Quoth the Raven, 'Nevermore'."
----------------------------------

March 19, 2001 12.21pm est

Perhaps there is something to this afterall,
oft I'll peer over the edge and see swooping
out of the depths the wings of...

I'm rambling, pardon moi. But my brain is
still itchy, can't help the sudden outburst.

Y'all come back now, hear? Blum rum sum
or something like that. Oh, I'm just dying,
utopian life lay in reach, and I sans arms.
----------------------------------

March 19, 2001 9.48am est

Some people are so funny, picture this, here is a group of kids, all proclaiming themselves extremely devout. They talk about how even the highest human standards are lowly in comparison to God's standards, they say that even little things that other people wouldn't notice, God will. They talk about how you have to live by the bible with no exceptions, how it's easy to pick and choose which rules to live by, but that the real test is living by all of them without exception.

They talk about this for some time, and after awhile, apparently pleased that they had proven their faith they move without pause or breath to lamenting the restrictions on Napster.

Now, if you're like me, you're busting up laughing right about now.

Here's a group of kids that went from proclaiming their 112% devotion to the bible and all of it rules, to whining about how it's so hard anymore to break one of the ten commandments.

Awwwwwww....

And they wonder where they get this stigma of hypocrisy. No exceptions means no exceptions, practice what you preach kiddies.
----------------------------------

March 18, 2001 9.26pm est



March 18, 2001 8.31pm est

I am slowly going crazy,
1 2 3 4 5 6 switch,
crazy going slowly am I,
6 5 4 3 2 1 switch,
I am slowly going crazy...
----------------------------------

March 18, 2001 7.27pm est

Behind every great man is a woman... and if he's really good, there's one in front too.
----------------------------------

March 18, 2001 5.58pm est

Being A Better Nerd

If my life had a manual, this is it to a tee.
----------------------------------

March 18, 2001 11.44am est

My keyboard is dirty.

...

Nevermind.
----------------------------------

March 18, 2001 10.37am est

Fact: Amazon.com, the world's largest online retailer, has never made a profit.

Fact: Every shitty porn site makes more money than the owner knows what to do with.

Kids, this says something. Something that shouldn't be ignored.
----------------------------------

March 18, 2001 9.33am est

"Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either."

"Intelligence appears to be the thing that allows a man to get along in life without an education. Education appears to be the thing that allows a man to get along in life without using his intelligence."

"If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed."

"Television is a medium, so called because it is neither rare, nor well done."

"A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects..."

"A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry."

"Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it."

""It's easier said than done."... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than done"."

"If only our great thinkers could learn to talk, and our great talkers could learn to think!"

"Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head."

"It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"Diplomacy: the art of restraining power."

"On one issue at least, men and women agree; they both distrust women."

"Flappity, floppity, flip, The mouse on the mobius strip; The strip revolved, The mouse dissolved In a chronodimensional skip."

"You have not converted a man when you have silenced him."

"What good is a leader who can walk on water if you can't follow him?"

"If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization."

"Old chemists never die, they just fail to react."

"A closed mouth gathers no foot."

"Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it."

"An elephant is a mouse with an operating system."

"It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?"

"A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems."

"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right."

"Death is all in the mind, once you're dead, you forget all about it."

"When doubt stands still, confidence can erect a skyscraper."

----------------------------------

March 17, 2001 8.27pm est

This website is done.
----------------------------------

March 17, 2001 10.25am est

"The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've finished building it."
----------------------------------

March 16, 2001 4.45pm est

Yippee! It's Friday!!

Yea...

*yawn*
----------------------------------

March 15, 2001 6.20pm est

The appeal of the internet is not it's audience, rather, it's anonymity.
----------------------------------

March 15, 2001 5.04pm est

Oh woe is me... somewhere along the line my webpage ballooned up to 2.92MB. I feel bloated.

I suppose of course the fact that not only did I go through and find this out but that I am distressing over it is far more sad than it itself.

It itself. Whodda thunk that phrase would ever make sense. Well I should be off doing more important things, so here I end this diatribe.
----------------------------------

March 15, 2001 12.14pm est

This new version of Netscape really is that good, you all must go download it... now.

Yes, now.

And everyone will be pleased to know that I located a couple textbooks I lost several weeks ago, so there's $150 that didn't totally go down the drain. I'm even going to keep one of them. Oh yes. Don't you keep textbooks you like?

Doesn't everyone?

Well I've been contracted to fix someone's scanner this afternoon and if all is on schedule then I should be leaving here shortly. How's that for excitement? Oh yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

Oh gosh. I'm bored. Maybe I'll work out next semester's schedule... you know, since it's due Monday and all. Yeah, that sounds like a plan.

Catch y'all later.
----------------------------------

March 14, 2001 10.31pm est

Finally got around to filling up that untitled spot I'm going to start putting new stuff at the top... not that anybody cares really, just thought I'd share that.

The whole rhyme scheme is really a blatant rip off of The Raven, but I couldn't help it... gosh, Poe really nailed it with that one, I can only dream that someday I could write something half that good. But hey, you know, us monkey's we learn by imitation, right?

Well that's all the news for now, I'm going to sleep. Night.
----------------------------------

March 14, 2001 2.02pm est

Well you all can check out my little redesign if you want, I fixed up the poetry section with it, the others are soon to follow.

Haha, oh man, these people that sell stuff on ICQ... what a bunch of maroons.
----------------------------------

March 13, 2001 11.27pm est

"I looked at my asshole in the mirror
 today... it blew my fucking mind!
"

Well all the a&e stuff is getting a much needed, and loooong overdue overhaul; and if I do say so myself, it's pretty damn spiffy.

But you don't get to see it yet... hahahahaha. Ha. Ahem. But I am now tired so I will go to bed.
----------------------------------

March 13, 2001 9.49pm est

Well I'll be god damned, I finally figured out what was making N6 not render my tables right. FINALLY. Now it looks right. And I've got a bit of a redesign going on too, mostly just the a&e stuff though.

Updates made as events warrant.
----------------------------------

March 13, 2001 4.33pm est

Hm. They don't work out as well under this new format... well, it will just have to do.
----------------------------------

March 13, 2001 4.18pm est

My brain itches. That sounds like it wouldn't make sense, but it does, really.

Has anyone ever felt that way? It
is a strange feeling to be sure.

Like the sorta feeling you get right
underneath a bandage you've had on for
a long time. Hard to say, and probably
really hard to understand I'm sure,
although it's not that strange.

Well fine, you all just laugh at me, but it's true I tell ya. Or something like that, but anyway, I have to go to work.
----------------------------------

March 13, 2001 3.51pm est

Been cleaning the page a bit, just tightening things up; I don't have so many blank targets now that I've discovered the "_top" target. Neat stuff.

I just realized too that I spend WAY too much time dicking around with this stuff...

Oh well, "to each his own" said the farmer as he humped the cow.
----------------------------------

March 13, 2001 1.50pm est



March 13, 2001 12.22pm est

"Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law."
----------------------------------

March 12, 2001 10.56pm est

If you're reading this, then you may have noticed that the text box has been replaced with an inline frame.

You may also notice that if you are using Netscape 4.x or lower that inline frames don't work. Don't blame me, they're part of the HTML 4.0 spec, Netscape just doesn't do them. Netscape 6, however, does; so there.

Well I'm going to bed now, there's so much fun stuff I can do now... I can hardly wait to make my first pathetic life update with a picture in it... mmmmm sweet, sweet anticipation.

God damn I'm a nerd.

And a dork.

And on occasion a loser...

Though right at the moment, I'm tired, so night all.
----------------------------------

March 12, 2001 4.27pm est

You know, I think I've finally seen one video too many. I just downloaded another priceless treasure, which I'm sure would send a normal person into shivers of pain... but not me. Nope, I watched the thing, and the only thought on my mind was "is that it?".

Think hammer and nails... and out of the goodness of my heart I won't tell you any more.

On a far more interesting note, I think I busted my left shift key. "Whoa!, slow down!" you're thinking, "I'm too excited to even comprehend it!" I know, I know, news of my left shift key really is spine tingling, but I must tally forth. It goes like this: I was eating a bowl of Lucky Charms and I must have spilled some milk onto the key so it started sticking. Since that's incredibly annoying, I pryed the key off and cleaned it, and stuck it back on. Only now I have to press really hard to get it to work. Don't you all feel sorry for me? Yeah, thought so.
----------------------------------

March 12, 2001 12.30pm est

I'm going to be using iframes here shortly, so if your using anything but IE or Nutscrape 6.x you'll miss out and probably end up getting goatse.cx'd.
----------------------------------

March 12, 2001 10.15am est

Come to think of it actually, this person was reading from a manuscript, so not only did they pronounce it wrong, but whomever wrote the script likely spelled it wrong.

This is a sad, sad world.
----------------------------------

March 12, 2001 10.10am est

It's rather disheartening to sit through class sometimes. Again today someone managed to mispronounce a common word... envelop.

in-veh-lope?

in-vell-up.

*sigh*

These are the people who will be... actually no, I was going to say that these are the people that will design your cars, and test your food and such, but actually I think this person was a golf management major (yes it really is a major, no I'm not joking) so who cares.
----------------------------------

March 11, 2001 9.33pm est

Thought and action come separate to me, there is a gear that shifts out of place when the two are asked to perform together... and they spin and they spin, but I sit idle. It's disenchanting to say least. Maybe one of these days I'll get it together.
----------------------------------

March 11, 2001 5.40pm est

It's a melancholic malaise. I wish I knew what to do, but I don't. It's frustrating to want so much and not know how to get it... nor even what it is.

It's a vicious cycle, the magnetic poles stare at a mirror; but I digress... from what? I don't know... nothing perhaps.

ciao.
----------------------------------

March 11, 2001 11.38am est

What would you say about a college student who didn't know how to pronounce "monotonous"?

mono-tone-us?

muh-not-un-us.

Sometimes I worry. I mean really, really worry.
----------------------------------

March 11, 2001 11.35am est

Thirsty for some Tristan? Thought so... got a tasty nibblet last night. Have at.
----------------------------------

March 11, 2001 10.33am est

"'Cause I'm one step closer to the edge, and I'm about to break!"

Yet another stunning example of todays lyrical talent pool. What the hell does being close to an edge have to do with breaking?
----------------------------------

March 11, 2001 10.03am est

Yeah I don't know, I just thought I should write something here.
----------------------------------

March 9, 2001 10.17pm est

"Treachery wears many faces, the most dangerous of which is virtue."
----------------------------------

March 9, 2001 10.13pm est

"They're sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it's better than drinking alone, oh

la da di de da, la da di de da, la da..."

Dammit, it's a good song, I don't care what people say.
----------------------------------

March 9, 2001 6.46pm est

This is wrong... I shouldn't be enjoying the process of doing my laundry... but I can't help it.
----------------------------------

March 8, 2001 10.15pm est

Locl-Net seems to like to disconnect me if I connect and then don't immediately use it. Bastards. Oh well.
----------------------------------

March 8, 2001 3.27pm est

Just so the world knows, the FTP link down there will only work intermittenly (i.e., whenever I'm not too lazy to update the IP), and for obvious reasons, will only work when I am online.

As usual, I have grossly misjudged the amount of time it would take me to post anything, but maybe tomorrow...

Don't worry, it'll go up sometime.

Yes, that's right, I can literally feel the huge expelled air mass from the collective sigh of relief...

Mmm.. sarcasm.. my favourite.

Anyway, I'm to other things, see you later.
----------------------------------

March 7, 2001 10.23pm est

You know I think that gray background grew on me, I like it. I didn't have time to put up anything new, but maybe tomorrow. As for now, goodnight everyone.
----------------------------------

March 7, 2001 3.42pm est

I've got some stuff to post... will probably get it up tonight or something.
----------------------------------

March 7, 2001 2.51pm est

Okay, well that was fun, but I'm going to leave the webpage hosting to someone with a static IP. There's a link, though, for the FTP down in the menu, and I'll probably do that indefinetely, easier to keep up, and I don't really care if it doesn't work.
----------------------------------

March 7, 2001 11.43am est

I caught myself too, so before everyone gets worried, I fixed it so the guestbook works... that was a close one.

I went muddling around with security settings too, I'm now tighter than 37 year old amish virgin...

ewwwwwwww.

This is far too much fun, just knowing that I can make accesible to the world anything I want with one swift drag and drop... it's intoxicating.
----------------------------------

March 7, 2001 11.17am est

Wow, this is so cool, instead of having to upload this file, I just click "save"... and it's updated!

This of course, isn't the first time I've done this. While living on campus I used the Apache server, but there's just something about serving over a dial-up connection, something... special.

Oh, where's my pocket protector, I need to celebrate. ;)

While Apache was fun, it didn't have an FTP service, so now I can share files easier with everyone, say we're at a certain Mardi Gras party, and everyone has a hankerin' fer some Kenny G... no prob, just log onto Jeff's server- o-love and download some Kenny G Live.

Midnight Motion, anyone? ;)

I'll probably gush some more about this before the day is up, so you haven't heard the last of me.
----------------------------------

March 7, 2001 10.51am est

Windows 2000 is cool, if you're reading this, it's being hosted directly from my computer at home, as is the FTP site. This is awesome because now I won't have to pray that freeservers FTP service is working, and any changes I make are instantly viewable. How cool is that? Probably not very much unless you're a nerd like me.

My FTP server contains a collection of material I've gathered in my immense time spent jacked into the internet. Enjoy, but be forwarned, there is some material in there that is unsuitable for those with heart problems, who are pregnant, who are children, or who have a good moral grounding.

I'm going to do this for awhile, just because it's fun and I've nothing better to do.
----------------------------------

March 6, 2001 9.55pm est

Goodnight everyone; I'm going to see what my imagination can do to placate my withdrawls.

"Do not go softly into that good night; rage, rage, rage against the dying of the light"
----------------------------------

March 6, 2001 2.40pm est

"And the worms ate into his brain"

The wall broke, I am of peristaltic flood; a scourge of maggots.
----------------------------------

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