Archived News:
3/6/01 - 6/1/01    6/2/01 - 9/16/01
9/16/01 - 2/14/02    2/17/02 - 7/20/02
7/20/02 - 1/26/03    1/26/03 - current


 July 20, 2002  11.40am est  - Dave

Jeff is hot the world is not. Hi everyone!!! It's me again! You wanna know what's 1/16th the size of Dan, often mistaken for a pole, and likes to play with semen? Jason Tone!!!!!!! Anyway, two douche bags didn't show up at my apartment like they were fucking supposed to! Fucking cock gargling rhino pullers! What the fuck!?!? You fucking homos. I'm so disappointed. Now you won't get a raping for months. I'll make sure to stick my dick up your prostate gland where it hurts! Ya fucks! Well, whatever. Life goes on. You know, sometimes I feel like I'm a doctor. For instance, a girl came up to me and told me she had something growing on her twat. I told her to show it to me and so she did. And I said "WHOA!!! You have micropectornitis. Commonly known as "twatcock" syndrome." I told her to suck it off and call me in the morning. Dumb hoe. Another instance happened as well. A guy came up to me and told me he couldn't get a bone and that his wang had been limp for a long time. A really long time. I told him he had "mistaken cock identity syndrome". That is when your cock can't tell if you were supposed to be born a man or a woman ya fucking weirdo. I told him that it's common amongst homos like him. Then I told him to suck it off and never call me again. Life is grand when you have your dick in your hand. It's like watching a porn only with your dick and your hand is the woman!! Hehe. Scooby fucking doo!! You know what really pissed me off? It's the little things. I remember this one time in high school in psych. when this one girl in the class was asking everyone around her if she wanted some m & m's or not. Frank was next to me about a row up or so. Everyone including Frank got one except me. Now what the fuck is up with that mother fucking shit??!?!?!? Now that I think about it, I don't give a shit anymore. I got me semen m's. Melts in your fucking mouth not on your face bitch! Take that. But whatever. It's like I was totally invisible or something. I mean fuck!!! How hard is it to notice a fucking weird looking chinese guy in the corner of the class room especially if you are the only fucking foreigner in that fucking class room at that time. Jesus fucking christ on a stalk of broccoli covered with donkey scrotum grease. FUCK!!!! I think I know why she didn't give me one. It's because I'm weird looking and Chinese. she probably thought I was a rapist or something. Damn stereotypes. I'll let you know this!! The fact that I am different amongst the rest is not that I come from a different country but the fact that I am who I am that makes me weird. SO FUCK YOU AND EAT MY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH EAT MY MOTHERFUCkING SHIT!!! SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR THROAT AND FUCKING LICK IT UNTIL YOU CAN'T SEE MY SHIT ANYMORE YOU FUCK SHIT FUCK HOLE!!!!! Yeah, I'll give you an m & m in the shape of my foot up your fucking twat hole. God damn I'm ruthless. Ruthless as a monkey that just got laid by a hampster. What is it about people that like to ride bikes??@?!?! What a bunch of awesome hot dolphins. GOD!!! So hot. I saw this chick one day on her bike. Man she was...let's just say she was.....was. Anyway, if you're a fat person like me. Keep in mind two things. 1.) Don't deny that you're fat cuz everyone fucking knows that you are. (I'm talking about girl or boy). 2.) It seems like whatever you do to try to hide the fact that you have a big gut or that you're fat. Everyone will know the truth. It's like they can see right through you because they can't see around you obviously. Get it. They can't see around you. HA HA. Denial is unhealthy and hiding it will make it worse. If you're fat and you know you're fat, do something about it. Don't sit there and hide it or deny it cuz it only leads to you thinking that you're not fat and that you don't have to work out or anything of that sort. Unless you do like being fat. Which is ok as well I guess. I'm still working on the working out part. I'm almost to the point where I only eat vegetables every day. So close. I'm taking my own advice so for all you fucks who think that I just speak a lot of shit, FUCK YOU! I'm working out and trying to eat right. So lick my testicle of freedom. But whatever. Whatever. No whatever. On to hot chicks. Hot chicks are just plain hot. They electromagnify my semen. Electromagnetic semen is when you see a hot chick and you automatically blow your wad in her face but you had no control over it. It's like your semen was magnetically attracted to her or something. As for the electro part, I don't know where that comes in. It just sounded cool. Let's talk about why Dave does not have a chick. I know the answer already! Read all above and you will find the answer. Dave Tam is a ruthless, selfish, conceited, cruel, unhappy, sad, pathetically sexually deprived, somoma fucking bitch. This Dave Tam guy sure sounds hot to me. Anyway, life is grand with your dick in your hand. Remember that gents. I'moff to work to blow my wad in the customer's faces. I will or I must post again for those of you who need to read my posts. *cought* Tristan. Tootles.

"Vanilla Dildo with chocolate filling"


 July 19, 2002  2.04pm est  - Alf

As the sun sits high over a dusty road we see the shadow of a man in black. Standing tall with his head tilted down, the brim of his hat causing a shadow to fall upon his face. Blacking out his eyes so that they don't show his darkness, wrath, anger, hatred, and most of all his evilness.
   You can look at a man like this, and as you eyes fall upon him he has already thought of a dozen ways of killing you. Not to mention he has thought about any movement you could make and how he can counter it. Like chess, he thinks multiple moves ahead.
He does this to survive each and every day.
   He stands their, wind blowing at his dark leather boots. He stands there as the clouds roll in and over cast all that is below. The sky being almost as dark as this figure standing on the earth below, the sky that's stewing and growing darker as the time goes by. Still this figure stands with his head tilted down, hiding those eyes from all that could see.
 Lightning flies across the sky so dark and full of gloom: dark as the sky may be it is like a bright sunny day in comparison to the heart of the figure that stands below. Inside this man grows a vast emptiness that nothing can stop it from growing, consuming this man from the inside. He stands as another man approaches, a man that is from the same world as the dark figure. A world of consuming evil, a world that only few survive in, a world that life is sucked on like a mosquito on your arm.
   This man walks with his head down as well. He stops a few yards away from the dark figure. The sky is getting thicker and darker the wind is blowing all around. The dark figure and his coat blowing to side revels a silver plated colt, but other than the wind still no movement. The other man stands, with look upon his face. A rough face with many scars but no way near the amount of scars deep inside him. He stands, motionless as the dark figure. Movement off to the side, a young boy appears. His little eyes squinted because of the wind but he watches. He wants to see what these dark men are going to do, or if they will even move.
   Both figures standing apart from each other, wind blowing there coats aside. Showing two equal colt 45's. One of them says a word and a flash as they drew their guns and all you could hear was a crack! And one of them fell to the ground the evil has nothing left to consume in this one.
   The young kid walked up and looked at the one on the ground and looked up to the other. "Why did you kill him?" the young one asked. "Because he was evil" was all he replied. "Aren't you evil" the kid asked. He looked at the kid with those eyes. Those horrible eyes, and with a small smile he said:
"My hypocrisy knows no bounds.. My...hypocrisy knows no bounds"


 July 16, 2002  2.01pm est  - Togaen

The cashier at the Dollar store just told me I look like John Schneider. "I'm afraid I don't know who that is," I says... "Dukes of Hazzard" she says. How did I go from pedophile, to pornstar, to wanted fugitive to... John Schneider. I hurt. On the inside.

Oh yeah, new Dave Matthews CD is out today... you know... if you're into that sort of thing.


 July 16 2002  1.14pm est  - Dave

Hi everyone? What the fuck is up you cock snorkers? To start off, I would like to say what the fuck is up with the people who say they will be right back on ICQ? Well, the other night Tristan and I were chatting on ICQ and he said he would brb (be right back). So I figured ok he probably went to take a giganto shit or something. But about two mins later he logs out of ICQ and never comes back on! What the fuck!?!!?!?!?!?!? I thought brb meant be right back. That mean you're coming back online!! HOMO! The next time I see his ass again I'm gonna play pin the foot up Tristan's ass. After that he'll wash my car and rape the ants on the floor. Well, I came home Sat. night. For all who missed me, I'm sorry. Me, Dan, and Tristan pretty much stayed up all night. Dan was the winner. I think he got the least amount of sleep. Hahahaha. For all you other wussies that didn't, you suck! I watched Reign of Fire last night. Not as good as I thought it would be but it was interesting. Plus it had Dragons in it and Dragons raping Dragons and dragons humping monkeys and dragons making love with humans. Oh wait, that was my dream. Hehe. Jeff, are you guys still coming over!?!?! Jesus Christ on a cock chimney. What the hell!?!? I also watched the movie "Imposter" which was pretty good. For all those who are into that kind of movie, I recommend you watch it. It has a pretty cool plot twist and shit. Man, watched Vanilla Sky again and it totally blew the shit out of the water man. Damn. Still as good as the first time almost. I loved it when Penelope Cruz raped Tom Cruise. Oh wait, I was daydreaming again. The best part of the movie was when someone kept referring to what Tom Cruise did in the movie to Tristan. That was hizzzzzzzot. You wanna know what I wanna know? In the movie Reign of Fire, how the hell did Mathew McConehay and Christian Bale get my fucking body?!?! It's like they knocked me out and both took parts of my body and implanted it on them so they would have incredibly awesome looking bodies and I get left with a gut. That's why I have this gut. It's cuz they took all my cool parts that made me look like I had a great body and then this is what is left of me now. No woman and a gut the size of a elephat testicle. ONE DAY!! I'll take my body back!! You just wait!! Anyway, I noticed Tristan was growing a penis on his head. What a peckerhead. Why why is life so cruel?!? I guess it's not just the fact that we migh think it is cuz we don't get our way. But maybe it is when some people get shit on for doing nothing wrong. I know a few people that god has taken a dump on. Man, I feel bad for them. But then again, if I created the world and everything else and I had the power to shit on people, I guess I would too. You wanna know why more people are going to hell than heaven? (Well, if you believe in that sort of thing.) It's because when someone is in need of salvation and the lord is the only thing left, god turns his back and does nothing about it and then Satan rapes their minds and the person ends up doing bad things and stops believing in the lord and then he goes to hell when he dies. But that just what I think. Or I can just got spank tulip cocks and call it a day. How bout that? Why must my cock go on!!!?!? Cuz we're men and women need cock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let's chant that. Anyway, fuck the shit shores of Tibet. I'm getting ready for class. I must playing with my little dingaling before I go though. Dingaling as in my bell you sickos. What did you think I was going to play with? FOr the love of god, get your dicks out of your eyebrows and stop thinking so perverted. Jesus christ on a turd torpedo. Fuck. You people are funny. Hehe. Anyway, I will post again soon. So fuck the world while you can or the world will fuck you! Peace out homos.

"Large Cock dogs are refillable"


 July 12, 2002  4.04pm est  - Dave

Jeff, I'm not trying to get an A in your grammer class. Yes, my grammer does suck and I can do better if I tried but I'm not writing a post for an English competition or anything. I'll show your ass nightmare when I ram my pistol of love into it. My my what a week it has been? It's Friday already? This summer has sucked, the last school year has suck, and I'm peering into the future and what does it tell me? It's gonna suck. Guess what I get to do tonight? Work. Yep, that's right. Work. I don't want to work but what other thing do I have to do? Nothing. So, I'll work. I learned something in class a few days ago. People who often believe that they deserve this and they deserve that, even if they think they have low self-esteem, in reality, they have unstable high self-esteem. Then this usually leads to aggression and other stuff. My what wonders you can do by paying attention. Anyway, on to the good stuff. I washed my car today. It was so clean that I just had to hump the tailpipe and get her all dirty again. Tehe. What's purple, red, tan, and has the power to crush pretty much anything? My nuts in Tristan's mouth. I watched K-Pax the other day. That was a pretty good movie. Never ever ever watch Soul Survivors. Never! If you ever do, I'll hand rape you with my tongue. Oh SHIT!!! I must depart for work. Sorry to cut it so short. I didn't realize the time. Adios.

"Speckles on my pickle"


 July 10, 2002  10.25pm est  - Togaen

Dave, your posts are a grammatical nightmare... but that's part of what makes them so special. Wow, I'm listening to the Master of Puppets album- it's been awhile. I forgot about good old heavy metal; I've found myself... was feeling kinda lost there for awhile. It always seems that people who are most interested in abstract things are the least in touch with concrete things. I wonder which way that relationship flows, whether it because of interest in the abstract that they lose touch with the concrete; or if it's because of their disconnection from the concrete that they feel more in touch with the abstract. Probably both. That's usually what happens in practice (there's an interesting phrase, I was just thinking about this the other day- when you say 'during practice' you mean that you're not doing something for real, but are instead simulating a real event; but when you say 'in practice' you are talking about the real event and not a simulation... language is so weird, I suppose all that comes from the word practice: when you say practicing medicine, you assume that you're talking about a doctor who's applying his medical knowledge to actual patients but if you say practicing archery you assume that you're talking about someone training in archery... and then there's math, you could say 'practicing mathematics' and you'd assume you're talking about someone just doing math problems as training, but if you say 'practicing mathematician' then you'd assume you're talking about a professional mathematician who's applying his knowledge to the real world. I wonder how that word came to mean two contrary things. Originally it was probably only used to describe professionals applying their trade- but if those professionals had apprentices who worked for them, then someone may have come along and said, 'oh, so-and-so is practicing for Dr. So-and-so' because the apprentice would be doing menial work and the pro would be out playing backgammon with three year olds; I could see how the branch occured from there... but that's just my opinion.)

Where was I... I got destracted with that aside... stupid branching thought train... oh yeah...

Another thing you notice about people who deal in the abstract is that they are generally more intelligent and less sound in mind than others. I love that scene in the Simpsons episode where Homer becomes intelligent and is complaining to Lisa that nobody likes him and he's unhappy and Lisa says she's got a graph correlating happiness to intelligence and it's a graph of a hyperbolic curve. But it's weird isn't it? I remember in psychology Dr. Blaz was talking about people who were pessimistic and optimistic, and that more often that not, those who were pessimistic were really just realistic and that of those labeled pessimistic they generally were less mentally healthy than the optimists. There's a great line in the great book The Man who was Thursday that went "...for every man knows in his heart that nothing is worth doing"- perhaps people who make a hobby of thinking think this line to themselves in some incarnation or another more often than is healthy and they have problems justifying their existence. When you think about it, nothing really is worth doing- you're going to die someday regardless of what you do and what is anything going to matter once you're dead? Unless you're the religious type, of course. Maybe religion is a mechanism of the mind, just like pain and joy. When your brain doesn't want you to do something, it makes it painful. When your brain does want you to do something, it makes it pleasureable. So if your brain doesn't want you to think existentially it makes it painful. If your brain does want you to think religiously, it makes it pleasureable. Hm. Interesting.

I wonder though, about the future of intelligence. Just as anything, the more complicated it gets, the more things can go wrong; and as has been brilliantly demonstrated by mankind throughout the ages, the human mind can be the rottenest apple of them all. It does seem to me, though, that the human mind as it is now has sort of hit a wall. People who are much more intelligent than the average very often suffer from non-trivial mental disorders... I think it's time we evolve again, we're not going to get any smarter with the current genome, let's trade it in for the upgraded model.


 July 10, 2002  2.51pm est  - Dave

Those of you who did not believe me when I said Vanilla Sky was a damn good movie, must now bow down and suck the semen from my tube of love. I don't think I'm gonna write a good of a post as I used to cuz someone told me he was "worried" about my mental health. Yeah, you know who you are. I think you should be worried about your ass being infatuated with my semen. Plus, I never said I liked Fast and the Furious cuz of it's storyline. I like cars. Especially hopped up cars. And that movie if I dont' recall had hopped up cars. Duh! I don't know why you're forgiving me Jeff cuz Cube still blows. Hool that bitch! Semencake semencake pornstars make, bake me a semencake as fast as you can. Jerk it, twerk it, wing it, sling it, ALL OVER YOUR FACE!!!!! My what wonderous things you can think up during psychology. Today in psych. we had a guess speaker who studied in child development and she brought her little daughter in. she was a funny little girl. Smart and cute. I was thinking to myself, I hope she grows up to be a good kid. Anyway,I want to get a dog so I can name him Jerkit. "Jerkit Damnit, what the hell are you doing!?!?!" You know the first thing I'm going to teach my son? That is to spank his wang dang. I ask myself sometimes, what's love? Well, I say love is something not in my vocab. You see, I once was in love but what I thought was love was actually a large metal rod being shoved up my ass. Yep, that's love in more than one way explained. And then when you remove the rod from your shit canal it still hurts for a long time. Then you must find ways to massage it and caress it until the pain goes away. It can be from 6 months to a whole fucking year and a half. Yeah, that was a BIIIIIIIGGGG metal rod that was removed from my cave of feces. But then, when you think everything is alright and the pain is gone, it comes back to you when you're sleeping at night or just sitting there watching two couples together. And in reality, the scars of the metal rod will still remain in your forever. Until you jerk it. Then you have a moment of self-pleasure and all is well for that 10 seconds. That is when life is at its greatest. When you're blowing your wad all over the place by yourself. For that 10 seconds or however long it takes you to jerk yourself off, it's the greatest 10 seconds you've had in a long time. Like a day or so. But still. It's relaxing and the only thing you have on your mind is blowing your cockmucus all over. Damn. Oh! don't act like you have no idea of what I'm talking about. SHIT!!!! It's like firing off a rocket launcher in Quake only with your pecker and smaller rockets. But rockets of love AND ONES THAT IMPREGNATE!!!! Holy horse shit of Mahammad, guess what I just saw? Vanilla Sky!! Jeff, I'm gonna have a lucid dream tonight and it will be of me raping your mouth. I wanna know why it's so windy outside? Oh! I think I know. I whipped my cock out and swung it around. It's like a damn hurricane here only with semen flying everywhere and in your face and stuff. Man, life really really is starting to suck man. All this school, responsibility, financial stuff, relationship stuff (you know, finding a girlfriend and stuff.), and work stuff. SHIT!! stuff. It's like boogers wrapped around a cock covered in semen. Well, that reminds me. I must depart to work. Yeah.. Work. What a shit hole. I wish I never worked there. Fuck! NO FUCK YOU!!!! FUCK YOU!!! Yeah, I know that's what you're thinking. Homo. Everyone, watch Vanilla Sky!!! Watch it Mothafucka!!! That movie is like Euphoria, like Tristan's head inbetween your legs sucking and eating away at your semen. Well folks. I must depart. I will post once again shortly cuz I know you guys like ready my disgusting and perverted posts. Tootles.

Cock Raider "Beholder of the dual shafted cocksabers"


 July 10, 2002  9.50am est  - Togaen

So we rented Vanilla Sky the other night... and... it was awesome. We're all kind of unnerved at the fact that Dave recommended a movie like that- especially after his rejection of the saintly Cube and his embrace of the pure evil that is The Fast and the Furious. Your nuts win this time Dave; but just you wait until when next we Quake. You will know pain.


 July 8, 2002  4.49pm est  - Dave

I am so fucking bored it is not funny. Bare with me people cuz this might be a long ass fucking post. "It's gettin hot in here so cool me down with your semen!" Abla Umblafucka, that's suck a cockpipe in spanchingerminese (spanish/chinese/german). On with today's news of Dave's life. Woke up this morning, pants all wet, cock all rock hard, stuck in a pillow. I had a few dreams last night. One of them actually had to do with the fact that I beat Tristan in a bike race. That was cool cuz he had to eat out my ass the whole day. The other had to do with some girl or something. Nothing sexual though. Just met her and hung out with her. I could have swore it was a lucid dream though cuz I wanted to fucking hop on her cunt like monkeys jumping on totem poles. I went to class today as usual, thought of what it would be like to have sex with the teacher. She's nice looking but not great. And then after class I went to get gas, cut the cheese and blew up the gas station. Man, I should have believed Tristan when he said my ass was hot like fire. Dizamn! Wait, I hear something. It's my ballz telling me to fucking fondle them. Oh wait, I did this morning. Must be someone else talking. Yes, it's Jeff and he says Cube is a good movie? What a cucummer. Cube is not a good movie. Cube is a movie for men who like to fondle men and for men who like crawling around in a cube the size of my nuts. Hey Jeff, fuckalasplatainyoufaceawithasemena!!! That's "cube sucks" in fuck you. Man, Cube sucks so much that I don't even like dogging it anymore. It's just plain ole boring. I have much more fun jabbing pine trees with my dick. Oh, the other day, I caught myself once again yelling at things that did not exist. It was on the highway. You wanna know what the greatest techno cd is? Ian Van Dahl: Ace. That is a fucking awesome cd. Just as great as having mad monkey loving with a herd of rhinos. Damn, rhinos are fucking loose man. I had to stick my whole body inside the rhino's twat in order for it to get off. But damn, when she got off, it was like a volcano erupting. Only spewing rhino twat juices instead of lava. you know. You wanna know what my ultimiate fantasy is? Having an ASS THAT WORKS RIGHT!!!!!!!! God damnit! I think I took like 5 shits the other day. Jesus fucking christ on twatcopter. You wanna know what the greatest pickup line is? Go up to a girl with your dog if you own one. Say, "excuse me miss, would you like to pet it?" Then when she goes for the dog, say, "No, not him, MY DICK YOU BITCH!!" That will get you many chicks. See, look at me. I have so many girlfriends. OH OH, HOTTIE IN TIBURON!!! BRB. Dizamn!! Ok. I'm back. Fuck she was hot. Anyways, Tristan, Jeff, John, Dan. You all need to come visit me NOOOOOOOOWWWWW!!! You need to save me from this insanity called reality and take me back to the place of butt-flies and little lightning cocks that light up. Like fireflies only in the shape of a penial instrument. And in my conclusion, "If you want to, I can save you, I can take you away from here!!" Folks, I must now go and find me a lady that I can make happy and do everything for her. Sorry this post probably isn't as good as my other posts cuz someone was worried about me. Oh yeah! Eat my fucking cockcake you bran muffin. I'll umbladildotwatus you!! Don't be worried, be happy. Did I ever tell you the story about Wendy? Wendy was a slut, who had a stick up her butt. One day, all the little kids threw firecrackers at Wendy and blew her dumb bitch ass the fuck up. Then she turned into a fairy and flew away to where all the little fairies lived. The end. Yep. THANK GOD FOR SELF PLEASURE!!!!!!!!!!! YeS!!!!! See you all in hell!! Tootles! Hehe. Don't touch me like that. It gives me goose bumps. hehe. Oooohh. Stop it. Hehe. Thank you all for listening. More like reading. I'll post again shortly. Take care. God bless.

The one and only twatrobber Jerky McJerkoffalot.


 July 8, 2002  12.13pm est  - Dave

Hey, two words: Deui Lai! That's chinese for "fuck you" ya poptart. Anyway, on to more important things. The world would be sooooo much better if we all just die. BOOM!! Dead! God I hate life so much. My life is like watching "When Donkeys Attack" five times in a row. Oh wait, I did just watch that. You know what makes me sick the most? People who like their lives or people who enjoy their lives. You know why? Of course there is only one reason. I'm jealous. That's why. I could get my ass up and make something of my life but I'd rather be a rebel though, sit and whack my cockpup all day. HEY!! FUCK YOU!!! It's not like you don't do that either you fucking twatpuppet. Wait. Listen to the trees as they shout EAT MY MOTHERFUCKING SEMEN UNTIL YOU DIE!!!!!!!! Such peaceful words. When I die, I want to be holding my penis. Or I would want it to be in a doughnut. That would be cool. Hehehe. I've got a cockring made of dough. It's edible. Speaking of hot neighbors moms. DIZAMN!!! Mine is so fine. So fine. That Honey is made with the finest of wine. DIZAMN!! I told John and Tristan this already. One night, I wish for her to sleep walk to my house and into my room and fucking sleep suck my dick. That would be awesome!! Shhhh....the mice are whispering. They're saying "HEY EAT MY RODENT TWAT YA FUCKS!!!!" Man am I going fucking insane. I've been talking to myself lately. Plus the fact that I've been yelling and getting angry at things that are not there. I once tried to hump cow that I thought was there but really wasn't. Everyone was looking at me strangely. Then I realized it was your moms!!!!!!!!! HA! COCKSPANGLE! I'm gonna go eat some dimsums. That's chinese for detachable twats. Hey, have you ever heard the story of Melvin? Well, Melvin was a ladies man. All the ladies wanted Melvin. One day, Melvin ate the ladies and they all turned into butterflies. Oh oh. How about Sperm the cockroach? (I have all this written down at work) This is a story about Sperm, the silly little worm. He liked to eat semen but most of all, he liked human beings and the humans liked Sperm. But the dogs did not like Sperm. So one day when Sperm was alone, the dogs all attacked Sperm. They tore him to pieces. Poor ole Sperm. They tore Sperm limb from cockroach limb. Then they raped his body parts they tore off!! The end. Man,this is what I mean by going insane. I'm losing it. This is all I do all day at work. Write about weird things like this, show it to the waitresses and have them call me weird. So much fun! On a side note. If you haven't seen Vanilla Sky I suggest you go fucking watch it god damnit!!! It's a fucking good movie. Jeff, you need to watch it. It's about dreams. I think you would like it. If not then you can give me head for the rest of the day. Cool? Anyway, I must begin to depart to my world of fantasia. I'm actually going to watch Vanilla Sky again. I hope everyone is doing well. Yes that includes you, Paul and Kevin, ya fruit melons. Don't mack on too many ladies while at Purdue and Indy. I hope to see everyone atleast once or one more time before school begins. Well, piece out brothas.

"The Web of Dildos"


 July 5, 2002  2.36pm est  - Togaen

This, http://www.grand-illusions.com/monty.htm, is just damn cool. Everyone write Alf and tell him he's a stud for sending me the link. I remember one of my professors talking about this breifly in class and I always wondered how the hell it worked... and now I know... awesome...


 July 3, 2002  12.07am est  - Togaen

Imagine my surprise when I log on, check my e-mail, and find not one, but two posts just waiting in wet anticipation for me to sling them forth into the light that they may spew their pulsing goodness onto a dark and failing world. I remind all readers that they are welcome to give me things to post- click here and choose a conduit of communication.

::&::
Just so everyone one is clear, click only once on the submit button when you sign the guestbook. Someone tragically deficient on common sense made it beautifully clear why that is the way it's done.


 July 3, 2002  12.04am est  - Dave

Am I the only one who posts anymore!?!? FUCK! FUCK YOU CRAZY JERKOFF BASTARDS!!! Hey, anyone seen my cock. I just had it here but I lost it while fondling my sachel. Man, what is it about fucking birds that like to shit on red cars!?! FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FLEA INFESTED COCK MOLESTING DICK HUGGING ASS CHEEK RUBBING BUTT CRACK SUCKING COCK FONDLERS!!!!!!!!!!! One day I'm gonna shoot all the birds down from the sky and rape them all!! If they keep shitting on my car, I'm gonna keep cumming on their FACES!!!!!!!! The coolest thing happened yesterday. I was riding my bike to a town about 9 miles from BG, called Waterville. On the way there, I saw a tampon. AND I SHOVED IT UP MY ASS!!!! Just kidding. But my cousin and I rode about 9 miles there and then walked around in the river that passed through that town. Just to cool down. It was beautiful. Peaceful and just plain cool. Then I raped a crawl dad. Holy shit was it tight. Dizamn! Anyway, psychology is so boring. I just think about sucking tick twats the whole time. I had a dream last night about well shit, I forgot. It was cool though. It had to do with dildos, glass, and twats. Oh and semen. Ok, where the hell am I going with this? I dunno. But Timmy does!! TIMMY NEED COCK!!! Hahaha. Har har. Well, I will write back later. I have to read my special book. L8er (remind you of someone? what a fag!) Oh oh sorry. Well, I will write back and entertain you with my stupidity. Have a good one. Butt Snatches!

Dave


 July 3, 2002  12.03am est  - Alf

Remember if you eat shit and it tastes ok, IT'S STILL SHIT! What I mean by that is we settle way too much in our lives. Why settle for something that really isn't what we want. Are we so lazy as a society that we will take the first thing that comes at us if even if it's what we really don't want. Take watching TV, something comes on that we don't like so we switch it. BUT no matter how far we switch we can't find anything that really catches our eye so we settle for the show that isn't good but better than anything else on. Why do we do that? Why don't we just turn it off and say, "I am going to find what I want to see." Or say, "fuck you man! You can't make me watch something that I really don't want to!"
   We all know what happens though; we just sit here and allow the shit to be shoveled into our face and into our ears and up our nose! FUCK why! I say STAND up and yell FUCK YOU TV! HAHAHAHAHA I will NOT let you do this to me! I will NOT sit through 45 minutes of shitty programming so you can show me 15 minutes of shitty ads! I WILL NOT BUY THAT SHIT NOR WILL I SURF THROUGH YOU CHANNELS WASTING MY TIME! If I find something that I WANT to see I will watch it! I am in CONTROL! So FUCK OFF!
   I just used TV as an example, there's a lot of other ways they try to do it to us! Don't settle, don't be what they want you to be. Be your self, do what you want to do to be happy. Just remember there is a consequence to all your actions, so be careful.

"As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains seemingly unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air--however slight--lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness."
-Justice William O. Douglas

Alf


 July 2, 2002  10.13am est  - Togaen

I heard on the news last night about a new court that has opened in the Netherlands for trying war crimes. The US is demanding permanent immunity for all enlisted servicemen or else we will pull all troops from every UN peacekeeping mission around the world. This court is backed by 74 other countries.

The word "bully" comes to mind.


 July 1, 2002  3.22pm est  - Dave

It is to my conclusion that monkeys are hot and that they are rapists. Fucking little rapist bastards. Monkeys are nothing but butt loving cock gobblers high on injected semen turds. Now on to the real story and issue. Women. I need one. The end. Just kidding. What is it about women? They can't make up their damn minds about anything. Jesus fucking christ. I mean, they always bitch about not finding the right kind of guy. But when one fucking comes along, they tend to ignore the guy. The sad thing is, they know that that guy is a nice guy, great personality, monderate in looks, honest, and tends to a girls needs. But yet, they still ignore that like butt loving monkey sluts on coconut semen. God damn. The world would be a better place if we all died. No seriously. That was a joke anyway. I think my toe is pregnant. SHIT!! Oh wait, that's just a blister. What is it about women that makes some women so hot but so incredibly stupid!?! That is a mystery all in its own. What the fuck!?!? I mean come on. It's been 2 and a half fucking years since I've had a girlfriend. I've worked my ass off to being the person I am. I've treated people fairly in my life and I'm not a criminal. I don't smoke or do drugs. I drink but who doesn't. I'm not an alcoholic though. I'm nice to everyone. I'm not conceited. I'm clean (you know, like I shower and stuff). I can be weird around my friends but who isn't? I can be romantic. Yet it does not show when I'm around my friends but I can be romantic. I'm not here to hurt girls or to use them or abuse them. COME ON LADIES!?! Anyways, FUCk. Forgot what I was gonna say. Oh yeah. I'm not a sexest or anything but sometimes I wonder, what the fuck!? Jesus fucking christ on a fucking tricycle what the fucking shit fuck ass shit fuck in the motherfuck piece of god damn horse shit semen fuck motherdick fucking fungus moldy god damn motherfucking cow cock shit fuck a bitch mother fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!??!(Imagine that in all caps, thanks) I wonder that sometimes. Anyway, I'm tired of typing. I'm gonna go on a bike ride and then read "Diary of A Rapist". That book is SO NOT MINE. I swear. It's jeff's. Well folks, it's been great bitching to the nine people or less that read this. Take it easy and may the spirits of the dragons be with you!

Dave "Wild Dragon" Tam


 July 1, 2002  1.00pm est  - Togaen

It's a queer thing that the outer can so affect the inner. So tightly are they bound that I wonder whether one is at all justified in even drawing a distinction. If the world were a snowglobe subject to whatever be the whim of the hand that holds it, you might find that that very hand is belong to the snowman within the globe itself. Is that really such a strange notion? Is the snowman then the effected or the affector? Is he both? Is he neither? More importantly, does it really matter? What does it really mean, then, when the weather outside is frightful? Maybe all storms come from within and the world about is simply a mirror with which we view ourselves...


 June 30, 2002  8.01pm est  - Togaen

Hm. I was going to type something profound here... but then I looked in the mirror and realized who was doing the typing.


 June 27, 2002  11.14pm est  - Togaen

Already someone is telling me my protection is weak... well well well... well... well well well well... try this on for size.


 June 26, 2002  6.02pm est  - Togaen

Due to certain circumstances the quotes page is indefinately password protected. And before Paul, Stew or anyone else of the ilk says anything derogatory about my method, I say this: fuck off- it works for what it's for.

And for those divine few in possesion of the password, a special treat awaits behind locked doors.


 June 13, 2002  12.54am est  - Togaen

Just 'cause I like to p1mp out my friends: Seth has a webpage of which I was unaware, interestingly enough located at sethkramer.com. Not much there, but knowing Seth I've faith it will become quite the interesting place.


 June 12, 2002  2.47am est  - Togaen

I was thinking back to childhood mindfuckments and one of them was Zeno's Paradox. It's the one that goes something like this: If I am at point A and something I want to hump is at point B I will move toward point B. However, in moving to point B I will have to move half the distance from A to B, and then again, and then again, and then again ad infinitum. See how that works? I'll get perpetually closer, but since I have to move half of any distance before I can move the full distance I'll never get there. Now when first I heard that I was like "whoa, that's pretty far out"... but then I got to thinking about it (as I am wont to do) and I thought "well now wait a minute, what if AB is just a half way point between two other points... if I can never get from point A to point B how could I move at all?" I thought and thought and thought and the only conclusion I could come to was that there must be some basic unit of distance that cannot be divided. This was back in High School. I was driving down the road the other day, however, and it suddenly hit me that that paradox is a beautifully simple proof for the discreteness of space! Score! You see, in making the statement of the paradox, Zeno assumed an infinitely divisible space, and as stated, proved that in such a space movement at all would be impossible. However, the very fact that we can move contradicts that statement and therefore space must not be infinitely divisible; and you can use exactly the same argument for time.

I love proofs. I mean I really, really love proofs.

Been awhile. I seem to do it best when I'm too tired to think... I think there's something to that. The weirdest part is I've been getting many hits to this stuff of recent- for some reason I never expect anyone to actually look at it. Well fret not my rabid fans, I've been feeling the urge to extend my collection lately.


 June 9, 2002  6.01am est  - Togaen

Is there any such thing as intrinsic value? In other words, if there were to exist in an empty universe a diamond or a tree, would that diamond or tree, by itself, have value? I think the answer is no, obviously, as value can only be described in terms of desireableness to something else. So we could say that value is an attributed property and not an inherent one- it is created and defined by another entity. Then it would also be fair to say that the magnitude of the value so ascribed is by nature arbitrary. In other words, since value as a property is determined to exist by another entity then that same entity determines its magnitude. From that it can also be said that the value and its magnitude, then, hold only for the entity that has determined them; for example, despite the fact that to me Three Roads To Quantum Gravity is one of the coolest books I've ever read (and thus very valueable) there is a small chance that someone, somewhere, may not feel the same way. I know I know, I don't really believe that either, but theoretically it could be true.

What got me thinking about this was an incident I experienced on the way back from the Shanty Town on Lake James. As I was turning onto 200W I saw a turtle making its reptilian way across the road. Being the kind and caring sort of heartless bastard I am, I turned around with the intention of picking it up and turning it over from the dangers of man into the dangers of nature. However, just as I was about to traverse the road a truck came and impeded my progress... and the turtles. Wouldn't you know it, right when I was to run to the little bugger a rather large pick-up throttled by and smashed it to pieces. Poor thing. At least it was a quick demise- it was a small turtle and its entirety fit under the bloated, careening suburban tires of the vehicle. Shrugging it off, I got back in my car and drove away. As I passed what was left of the turtle I got to thinking about the value of life. Obviously nature doesn't give life much esteem; so where does this percieved value of life come from? Must be from us, I wagered. Then I got to thinking about what exactly it was... and I quickly came to the conclusion, as demonstrated above, that it is whatever we say it is. That's why pro-lifers and pro-choicers have such a hard time with each other- they're both right. The problem is just that "right" is not universally defined.

Speaking of Three Roads To Quantum Gravity, it answered a whole bunch of my existential questions. Actually, a main theme of the book was the fact that there is no such thing as an absolute reference. No such thing as absolute time, no such thing as absolute space. Doesn't exist. The universe defines itself solely through context; and context is defined as the causal past. This has profound implications, even in the context of abortion. Viewed sociologically, it can help us to achieve what we are looking for- an equilibrium. Part of the problem is that people want to make their view everyones view, without knowing that it is impossible to do so; the very structure of nature simply doesn't allow it. Everything must be viewed as context dependant. Which sounds great and wonderful but is, of course, for purposes of practicality, not an option. So here is what I propose for a new social order: raise every child to be a well-adjusted, educated adult and do away with laws altogether.

Ahhhhh... if only. I do plan on designing a real new world order... but that will take time... maybe next week or so...

I figured out my problem with calculus too, why I never could quite get it. It's beause it's wrong! That's right, calculus describes a fictitious world, it is not applicable to the real world. This is because calculus treats the universe as continuous- that it could be split up infinitely; that's always bothered me and as it turns out, is not the case. Space itself is discrete, it comes in chunks... there is a smallest possible volume. Likewise, there is a highest possible temperature and a smallest possible unit of time. You see what this does for philosophy? It removes infinity! That's right, there is no such thing as infinity. Those poor Greeks... all that worrying for nothing. So calculus is wrong my friends, wrong wrong wrong... unfortunately the real equations to solve what calculus is supposed to don't really exist and would be ludicrous in scope... that, and calculus actually does give correct answers it's just that its premise is wrong. But now I have my excuse and in the end that's all that really counts. That blows your mind though, doesn't it? That there is a smallest possible unit of space and time. Far out man. And of course you want to know what they are, don't you? So here:

Fundamental unit of space: 4.05096x10^-35 meter
Fundamental unit of time: 1.35125x10^-43 second

Also known as Planck space and Planck time. That's pretty small. I can't fucking believe it, 6.01 in the god damned morning. Haven't slept all night, what the hell is wrong with me. Oh yeah, a cool thing happened yesterday... it feels weird saying that when I haven't slept... as I was making rounds as pizza-boy extraordinaire I passed the clock by Key Bank. It read the time as 7:18 and temperature as 81. How fucking cool is that?

Still don't think that book is cool? How's this to wet your whistle: "If a region of space were raised to the Planck temperature, the very structure of the geometry of space would melt." That's pretty fucking hot. How anyone can not be consumed with desire to learn about this stuff I have no idea. Oh yeah, and I figured out a sure-fire way to erase racism against blacks within three generations: teach children that Jesus was black. Think about it, you just can't lose... not only that, but it's probably the truth.


 June 6, 2002  10.53am est  - Togaen

Ahhhh, the darkness returns. It'd been too long my friend- look now, your hooves are ragged with age and my teeth grow long and discolored; but now the demon returns. The sky bows away in fear as fear itself spreads its jaundiced wings throughout and the rain of light ends with a reign of dark. Happily transfigured is the day, give way, the hero bleeds his own decay- the dren they swarm in the Shadow. Their soulless cacophony o'ertakes and the moon falls from the sky, sweeping the dying Earth and in evil gravity pulling from its soil hideous abominations of mortal imagine. Dead things. Dying things. Withered and broken things now scuttle the barren land. Bones click and teeth chatter and carrion drips from the foul stench of their existence; and mother gazes proudly from above. Terrible teeth puncture a long beak that portrudes from an empty face; hollow eyes crown a visage wrought of death. Upon a hole in the world she sits, tentacles thrown to the very edges of time and she pulls herself through- screaming; she is in labour.

And in a small town, in a small state, in a small hospital a happy couple welcomes the birth of their first child. A strangely quiet newborn, whose black eyes seem to open just a little too wide; and whose tongue flits flirtatiously like a lover's on its mother's teat. The caress of tiny hands unseats the mother's joy; and the child draws no milk. In nervous gaze the parents lock. The child goes to sleep.

The morning light finds the parents have found their child gone. The incubator, its home, containing a purpled, crusted husk of infant flesh, flaking away to dust in the plastic box, survived only by a trail of blackish slime that seemed to have pushed through the box and then through the room, and through the wall into the world. Inside each, the mother, the father, they spiral downward, downward, downward into pitiful depths of guilt, fear, and helplessness. At this juxtaposition of fates the journey for them ends. But for the writhing black worm cocooning itself within the folds of the darkened forest it only begins.


 June 6, 2002  9.50am est  - Dave

On the first day of creation, GOD created the sun, the moon, and the Earth. On the second day of created, GOD created animals, insects, man, and semen. And on the third through sixth day, HE SPRAYED IT IN THEIR FACES!!! Toda!! Like my opening folks?!? And for all who believe in god, that was just a joke. Believe in that. Anyway, what's everyone up to? I'm bored as a single semen in a used rotted condom. Damn, it's been awhile. I need to go back home or something. I wish to my homey Tyson who is now engaged I heard, I wish his hot spanky ass good luck and I will visit his ass when he gets home. DAMN! What great news! Man, for the wedding, they should have me jump out of the cake with Scooby and then I spray semen in everyone's faces. That would be weird...but cool. Anywho! Where the fuck is Dan? He is never online! Dan, get your damn computer working. You know how bored I am? I can't even get online to talk to someone cuz I'm so bored. What about JEFF? Get your ass back online so I can talk to your ass! Yes, you all have lives but I'm stuck here with no friends!! I'd come home but I have to work!!! WORK!! Need money!! That's it, you're all getting a spanking! Anyway, I must attend to my duties as a freagin' waiter. Ok. Ok. One last joke. Why did Tristan cross the road!?! Cuz his dick was stuck in the chicken!! Hahahaha Har har. That's from Last Boy Scouts. Tootles!


 June 4, 2002  1.27pm est  - Togaen

OPEN INVITATION:


I need ten people who want to go visit Fermilab and so far, at most, I've got five. Come on people, we're talking about the most intense particle accelerator in the world... I should have to be turning people down, not begging for people to come. Just so you know, they also have theatres, art galleries, dance lessons, and a 6,800 acre campus with hiking trails, bike trails, and a bison ranch. See? Particle physics is FUN!

So please write me, make my day, make my little heart swell with tears of joy and tell me you're coming.


 May 31, 2002  3.10pm est  - Togaen

Sorry to all the fans of the Prostate Gland and Semen Head chronicles but I've removed them... after much contemplation I decided that even I have standards.


 May 29, 2002  11.58am est  - Togaen

I just got an incredible urge to listen to "Who Made Who". Ahhhh.

On the heels of my inquiry into the nature of beauty came a need to know the nature of music. Why do we make it? Why can it have such a profound effect upon us? At first I saw just a losing battle in front of me, but then I saw a light. I went toward it. And lo; enlightenment. When trying to answer questions such as these it's important to understand what you're looking for. The brain, the keeper of these myriad secrets, is not an organ with a specific purpose. Like anything that arises naturally, the brain exists because it can, not because it should. Important distinction there. There was no intent or plan to its design- it just happens to get the job done as it currently is; that's why it's not perfect, that's why it makes mistakes- it exists because it can, not because it is supposed to. It is like the people of Angola. Some of it should be destroyed and so much of it could be better, but as it is it's enough to keep itself going- so it does. Obviously I'm attacking this from a fairly secular point of view. Anyway, the point there is that nothing really has a specific purpose, it just just happens to work for whatever it happens to work for.

Alright, so on to music. What would the brain want with music? It doesn't really do anything. Well, what is music? It is a rhythmic harmonious arrangement of sound. What would the brain want with a rhythmic harmonious arrangement of sound? Is there any rhythmic harmonious arrangement of sound that the brain actually can use to our benefit? I thought about that question for a bit, and as fortune would have it I'm also studying German. What does that have to do with anything? I'll get to that. I thought about the parts of music that people seem to appreciate, and a huge part is the beat; how can AC/DC spend thirty years making songs with exactly the same beat and still be so popular? Because we just love that beat. What does the beat do? It separates the music into little parts so our brain can digest it. That is how our brain works after all- it takes in bits of information and then reconstructs them in the imagination. Now given the limited capacity of the brain, it can't reconstruct everything perfectly within the imagination... can you imagine memorizing the placement of every hair on your body? The very notion is ludicrous, so what does the brain do to compensate? It looks for patterns so that it can remember the patterns instead of what is actually there and reconstruct a good representation instead of an exact copy. As a side note, the more I think about the brain it's frightening how closely the basic structure of computers mirror it; it's like we're just reconstructing our heads in silicon without realizing it... this could easily go into a discussion of the existence of originality, but I shall exercise vast restraint and save that for later. Anyway, the beat separates the music into discrete parts that the brain can digest. Now that's all well and good, but why would the brain have the capability to do that in the first place? There's no evolutionary advantage to music and it's too complex to just be something that came along for the ride. This is where German comes in.

In studying German I got to thinking about the nature of language (I don't know about yours, but my brain loves to go off on tangents) and in listening to the people on the German CD's it struck me that language is rather like music. It's beats are syllables, and it's rhythm are phenomes. Then a light bulb went off. Although the ability to digest music is pleasant it has no evolutionary advantage... however... the same mechanism that allows for music could also allow for language- what is langauge, after all, but rhythmic and harmonious sounds (notice how we structure the language so that when we speak it there is no discord? The rules of grammar preserve rhythm and harmony in the language). And by golly george, there is a huge evolutionary advantage to language.

Now that there's an explaination for the machinery of music, why does it seem to be so important? Why can it so profoundly impact our state of mind? This I'm sketchy about. Obviously the nature of beauty plays an important role- the basic need to seek out balance and patterns within that balance- so once I get that all figured out I think it'll help with this one. I'm going to dip into Freudian culture here, but I think the desire for music comes from the mother. The soft and reassuring tones we hear as an infant signal comfort, protection, and food so we come to want to hear them. For the remainder of our lives, then, we may find great comfort in such sounds and that may help explain why music can arouse such primal reactions... we associate it with the mother, comfort, and with survival. Now to explain the enormous diversity and complexity of music I'm kinda at a loss. The diversity could just be due to diverse tastes and conceptions among people and in fact that's probably largely it. But for the complexity of some music... I just don't know. It may just be a pleasure thing. It's a fairly safe assumption that the brain rewards itself for discovering patterns (that godlike feeling you get when you discover the solution to a problem? Yeah, that's the brain chemically patting itself on the back and going "oh yeah, that's right, I'm good")- so if there are lots of patterns to be found, there is lots of happy-juice to be flowing in the brain ('happy-juice' is the scientific term for whatever chemical(s) are used as reward); and if you layer those patterns so that there are patterns within patterns, and patterns made of the patterns between patterns, why, the brain is just going to have a field day. That's my guess anyway.

The brain is a truely, truely fascinating organ; and widely viewed as the most complex structure in the known universe. Imagination is something else I want to wrestle with, it's nature and effects; but I'm going to have to stew on that one for awhile.

Wow. I love this stuff.


 May 28, 2002  11.48am est  - Togaen



 May 25, 2002  12.32pm est  - Togaen

Underneath my clothes I'm naked... you are too.


 May 23, 2002  1.35pm est  - Togaen

The more things change, the more they stay the same.


 May 22, 2002  6.55pm est  - Dave

I would like to announce to the world of semen lovers that I had just created the story of a life time. It's called, "Prostate Gland and Semen Head: The Evil Begins". Everyone better read it or I'll jizz on your testicles of love. If you're a girl and you don't read it, I'll just on your vagina! Your vagina! What the fuck!!?! There will be five parts to this story. So enjoy and keep "cumming" back for more.


 May 21, 2002  11.12am est  - Togaen

I've always wondered what the difference between a college and a university is... so last night I finally got around to looking it up. As it turns out, a college is a school that grants strictly bachelor's degrees- an undergraduate school, in other words. A university, on the other hand, is a school that as well as being a college, has teaching and research facilities constituting graduate and professional schools that award masters and doctorate degrees. Interesting, yes? This also means that my school of choice, Tri-State University, has misnamed itself... rather grievously; and to my knowledge no one has ever brought it up. Well I just sent an e-mail to the president, that's sure to clear things up!

Hahahaha.


 May 20, 2002  10.49pm est  - Togaen

A couple new items... this time including the literary masterpiece that is Crack Dog Episode 3. Everyone must go read it now. Now I say! If for some ungodly reason you haven't memorized the first two, they of course are housed there as well. Such an epic conclusion to that stunning thriller. A tour de force of wordsmithing. I did no editing and have preserved the format because even the little things like missing spaces and extraneous letters add to the emotional drama of the tale. Tristan is truely a lingual master.


 May 20, 2002  10.13am est  - Togaen

Some new things scattered about, among them should be The Adventures of Crack Dog Part 3... but noooooo, Tristan thought it decent to send that to an address that ceased to exist no less than seven months ago. Turd brain.


 May 17, 2002  11.55am  - Togaen

Oh. My. God. *sighs*

Myself, Anne, John, Tristan, and Dave went to Chicago last night to see The Cat's Meow. Good movie. Eddie Izzard is a damn good actor. Kirsten Dunst is incredibly annoying- but good at it... and I just realized it took us five hours to get there... but that's a horse of a different color. The whole point here is that everyone in the entire world should thank Dave for being alive. Without Dave and his army of semen, that entire road trip would have been unbearable. Oh man. It would be physically impossible to replicate the shenanigans that occured, but I will do my best to at least capture the mood with my brand new, $4000 Dave conversation simulator:

random person: Hey Dave, what's up?
Dave: My semen... IN YOUR FACE!
random person: (laughing) What????
Dave: Yeah I'll show you what, my cock will blow its what all over your face and my baby semens will drip down slowly into your ear
random person: (laughing hysterically) Oh god please stop
Dave: Oh you can't stop my cock... in your FACE! (sings) Got my semen/ejaculated from my pemen/ gonna get my skeemen/
random person: (laughing, can't breath) Dave please stop, oh god...
Dave: Yeah all the girls want me... 'cause I ejaculate my semen in their face... and pee in their hair...
random person: (dying) nooooooooo...

Only in life that went on for, literally, six or seven hours. Oh man, wowy. Good times, good times; and let me tell you, the view from the parking garage roof was just incredible- I hope those pictures come out.


 May 11, 2002  7.31am est  - Togaen

If anyone gets popup ads when they visit this site, tell me. They're not supposed to be there.


 May 05, 2002  11.54pm est  - Togaen

Funny thing happened to me on the way to the store today. Twelve monks jumped me with sub-machine guns and flakes of baked corn. Corn flakes, the kids will call them. They're a hardy breakfast, suitable for luncheons and dinners of highest class. Mostly the peacocks though, with their lovely feathers and all. Isn't a shame? That the mice will hunt rabbits, I mean. Still, there is a part of me that begs, nay, demands his share of the watermelon. A damn shame that cantelope. Just sitting there collecting dust like it appreciates value or something. How many many times have I told him "dust does not collect interest! It is a static investment!" But does he listen? Oh hell no. There is a place, out there, between the shades, were people live and babies die. A place were the sun glows and worms grow. But then, there are also alot of pencils on my desk, so who am I to talk. Haven't you seen the three of five? Fantabulous show I say, chalk full of hairy goodness and spectacles galore.

Super glue.


 May 02, 2002  11.30pm est  - Togaen

I just thought everyone would like to know that I took my final final today. That's right, I am done with the school for the summer. Ha. Why do I have the strangest feeling that this summer, and this summer in particular, is going to rock on hardcore? I just do not know. I've had to write a couple papers for my philosophy course... it felt weird, I haven't had to write a paper in a long time. And you know something? I think I've topped out my max typing speed; I just can't seem to get it any faster.

Witness, all, the bearing of my soul.

I've still got nothing on the beauty conundrum. It has something to do with harmony, I'm trying to figure out why we're programmed to seek harmony; there does seem to be something there. You know how if you listen to a motor running and if everything sounds "in tune", so to speak, then you can be fairly certain the motor is in good working order? Or if you listen to it and there is some irregularity or some discord you instantly know that something is not doing what it is supposed to be doing? So there is a relation, somehow, between harmonious activity and proper functioning which would give harmony and important function in living organisms... it would allow them a quit functionality test. You see what I'm getting at here? There could be a biological imperative to seek out harmony if harmony can be related to desireable circumstances. I feel like I've just got my fingernails underneath some huge monstrous boulder of understanding here, time to get dirty. Of course if I'm going to hinge my argument on harmony, I best define it... but I'll save that for my essay.

Oh yes, that's right, essay. Don't think I'm going to let this die.

I'm going to build a robot this summer but haven't figured out what kind of robot. Direct any suggestions to one of the conduits of communication presented here. If I can't figure anything out, I'll just fall back on the failsafe robot design... a robot of loooooooove.

Sometimes I wonder, sometimes I wonder. After all, who enjoys magic more- the audience or the magician? Sometimes I wonder.


 May 01, 2002  6.17pm est  - Togaen

May day! May day!

It's May Day!!

Hahahaha... that gets funnier every year.


 April 27, 2002  10.57pm est  - Togaen

Tristan pointed something out. I suppose hearing was kind of an "essential thing" back in the day when saber tooth tigers were eating us and stuff. But those cavemen should have just ordered pizza. Stupid cavemen.

Thanks Tristan. The only thing I hate more than being wrong is not knowing about it.


 April 27, 2002  8.41am est  - Togaen

Last night I downloaded the Parabol/Parabola video... it's... it's definately a Tool video, I can say that. It's also 101.5MB- no small feat for my powerhouse 56k modem.

No advancement yet on my quandry of the nature of beauty; and by beauty I mean all things aesthetically pleasing, like music and art and... yes Paul, boobs. This has really got me in a fix; I mean, usually I've got some idea how to answer these things- but with this, I've got nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Zero, even. With every other human trait you can trace it back to some biological necessity... and maybe so with beauty, my problem is that it extends so far beyond what it would need to. Sure it would be great if the sexes recognized superior craftsmenship in each other, but how does recognizing the majesty of sunset help us? And why, in the name of all that is holy, to people make and enjoy music?? That one just totally baffles me. It's not like humans have highly developed auditory systems, in fact hearing really isn't all the crucial to begin with...

hmm... wait... my brain just gave birth... one thing humans are good at, extremely, frighteningly good at, is pattern recognition; and what is art but patterns. Hmmmm... intriguing... there is something there I think... I will ruminate and return.

You know what would be cool? If we designed a language that was structured the way nature is structured. That does not make any sense does it... I will try again... umm, I will try again later, this is harder than I thought.


 April 25, 2002  11.16am est  - Togaen

I just joined the library of science book club... ich bin ein sehr frecher Junge! Mmmm... a five book set is mine for only $5.99 plus shipping; and as if that were not enough, I get a FREE calculator mouse pad with membership!

Extended warranty? How could I lose?? Woo-hoo!!

I'm so cool I give myself frostbite sometimes... man... this makes me almost as hot as the time I joined the science fiction book club.


 April 23, 2002  10.27pm est  - Togaen

Entire DiGiorno Four Cheese Pizza: 1280 Calories.

One Quart of Egg Nog: 1600 Calories.

Not being able to sleep because of stomach cramps and indigestion: Priceless.

There are some things common sense can't buy, for everything else, there's damn stupid impulse.


 April 22, 2002  1.04pm est  - Togaen

Court strikes down law on 'virtual' child porn

Two comments I wanted to make about that article. When I was little and studying the American government, I used to look at the Judiciary branch and think, "man, they're kinda worthless". But recently, and especially after my awesome government course I realize just how powerful it is and everytime I read an article like this I think to myself, "thank god we have people like this in seats of power". It really was a brilliant move on the part of the framers to make a seat on the Supreme Court permanent. These people never have to worry about being voted out and so can make judgements based purely on what they think be right... despite that fact that it may not be what the people who put them there want to have done. By no means have I made extensive study of Supreme Court rulings, but in those I've seen and gone over in classes they always seem to do the right thing.

Oh man... I just ate an entire bag of pizza pockets... wow...

Second point I wanted to make was this: you'll notice the article is in an Australian paper. You'll also notice that they reference the American constitution and government as if the reader knows already what they're talking about. Do you know anything about the Australian government or constitution? Didn't think so... (well one of you might ;). Do they even have a constitution? Beats the hell out of me- I just think the permeation of American culture throughout the world is a fascinating thing. I mean how the hell did this happen? We don't even have a culture; christ, the country is only turning 227 years old.

Question of the day: What is beauty? If anyone has any clue, please tell me, I am dying over here.


 Aprin 21, 2002  12.51pm est  - Togaen

Oh yeah, the guestbook works again; but that is the least of my concerns. Can someone, anyone, tell me how it can be sunny and 85 god forsaken degrees all week long only to become raining, cloudy, and 45 degrees all weekend. Is this some kind of sick cosmologically joke? What kind of god do we have in charge here anyway? What sick, sick, deranged bastard.

You know it's supposed to snow today?? SNOW I TELL YOU!

Bah. Preliminaries are the seventh, I trust you are all going to go. You better. Don't make me bust out my "coercer".


 April 20, 2000  8.25am est  - Togaen

Alright, next time a Swedish web host comes by with a really nice offer remind me to punch him in the ass; but that is all behind me now, all is well, I have learned and grown.

A Canadian radio station prank called Bill Gates, click here to download it. It's not really all that funny though... duh, it's Canadian.


 April 3, 2002  1.33pm est  - Togaen

So this family buys a new piano for the daughter and she loves it and plays it and all is well and good with the world... until some fateful day when the planets aligned in malignant despisal of her existance and destroyed her will to live by throwing the piano slightly out of tune.

Yes, it's horrifying, catch your breath.

So the family calls and calls and calls all the piano tuners in the area but tragically they are all attending a conference on keeping pet weasels and cannot tend to the families needs. The girl is suicidal. Finally, a ray of hope, a shimmering band of brighteness in the depths and darkness of the families despair appears. A rogue piano tuner named Mr. Oppurknockity. Tales have been told of this vagrant man wandering the land tuning pianos. He does not adhere to standard practices; he does things his way and only his way. He is an outlaw; but the family simply has no choice. They call Mr. Oppurknockity; and then, in the darks and deeps of that night, in the timelessness of the witching hour the family is stirred from their restless and disturbed slumber by a steady trudging through their yard. Could it be?

The doorbell rings.

The family at once shoots to life and terror runs as ice through their veins. The doorbell again. It must be. It can only be... him. Trepidatiously, the mother mouses out to the door and lets him in... a thick man, bent with sin and covered in leather with a keyboard tattooed under his right eye. Long hair on his head, long beard on his chin, and long fingers on his hands, he moves soundlessly to the piano in the living room. The daughter falls madly in love with him and the wild, rebellious freedom and independence he manages to ooze from his pores alongside that ghastly body odour. He sets to work, seeming to appear tools from the very folds of space and time.

Within minutes he is done.

The daughter cautiously sits down to play and from her svelte finger tips rises the most beautiful sound the family had ever heard... it was the most harmonic pentatonic she had ever played since starting lessons two days ago. It was then they heard to door shut and turned to see that Mr. Oppurknockity had already left... vanished, as it were, into the endless black and mystery from whence he'd been spawned.

One week later, tragedy paid a courtesy call.

The family was in ruins, the daughter having actually killed herself this time for the piano was again slightly out of tune. With a body wracked by paroxysms of grief and shuddering, uncontrollable depression the mother again phoned for Mr. Oppurknockity... they must at least tune the piano... the daughter would have wanted it that way.

Then again, in the still of the night and the dim of the witching hour... ding-dong.

The mother surged forth from slumber as if under some supernatural power to the door, crying, and trailing blood along the way that had long ago replaced the tears she had long ago wept entirely away. She flung the door open and stood awaiting his entrance in the sort of stooped and barely balanced poise a marionette puppet assumes just before the puppeteer puts it away. The piano tuner just stood, chewing cud pensively and seemed to stare straight through the whole morbid visage of the mother and her family lurking soberly behind.

Slowly, methodically, he lowered his head, spit out his cud upon the doorstep and slowly, methodically, raised again his greased and oiled brow. The keyboard tattoo sat motionless below his gleaming, inhuman right eye. He opened his mouth and slowly, methodically, sucked in just enough air so that upon forcing it back through his vocal chords it vibrated the air just enough for the mother to just barely hear:

"I'm sorry ma'am... Oppurknockity only tunes once."

With that, he plucked an incisor from his mouth threw it forcefully to the ground and vanished within the cloud of petulent amber smoke that arose from its impact. The mother turned to the family, the family turned to the mother, and they all died.

-

Mrs. Aldrich told that joke to my English class in seventh grade. I just got it this morning. See? Only took me eight years. I wasn't in Advanced English for nuthin'... of course I can't remember exactly how she told it... but I'm sure I'm pretty close.


 March 31, 2002  4.07pm est  - Togaen

"The obscenity fuck is a very old word, first recorded in English in the 15th century. Age has not dimmed its shock value, even though it is seen in print much more often now than in the past. Its first known occurrence, in a poem entitled "Flen flyys" written sometime before 1500, is in code, illustrating the unacceptability of the word even then. The poem, composed in a mixture of Latin and English, satirizes the Carmelite friars of Cambridge, England, with the title taken from the first words of the poem, "Flen, flyys, and freris," that is, "fleas, flies, and friars." The line that contains fuck reads "Non sunt in coeli, quia gxddbov xxkxzt pg ifmk." The Latin words "Non sunt in coeli, quia" mean "they [the friars] are not in heaven, since." The code "gxddbov xxkxzt pg ifmk" is easily broken by simply writing the preceding letter in the alphabet. As we decode, we must watch for differences in the alphabet and in spelling between then and now. For g write f; for x, v (used for u and v); d, c; b, a; o, n; v, t; xx, vv (which equals w); k, i; x, v; z, y; t, s; p, o; g, f; i, h; f, e; m, l; and for k, i. This yields "fvccant [a fake Latin form] vvivys of heli." The whole thus reads in translation: "They are not in heaven because they fuck wives of Ely [a town near Cambridge].""

-Excerpted from The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Third Edition Copyright 1992 by Houghton Mifflin Company.

Fascinating.


 March 27, 2002  2.18pm est  - Togaen

Altoids make love in Carmex using advanced form techniques made in Great Britain that when clicked will open the cold sore.


 March 26, 2002  11.50am est  - Togaen

So let me get this straight, I sit in class in January staring out the window into the beautiful 60 degree playground that is the world only to come to spring break where I sit in my room staring out of a different window at the same playground suffocating in snow and air devoid of heat. A close friend of mine once said that God does not play dice with the universe... which may or may not be correct, but he certainly plays craps with it.

Okay, bad joke, I am sorry... but you're laughing aren't you... don't think I can't hear it...

I didn't quite finish my last post: the fact that there's no piano in my favourite Billy Joel song is indeed strange, but even more odd when you consider that next in line is Piano Man. There, NOW you are in total agreement with me.

Speaking of Natalie Portman, I was talking to Tristan last night (biiiig mistake [you have no idea just how big *wink*]) and I brought up the fact that one time I was making fun of him for always being at natalieportman.com by saying something to the effect of "oh why don't you just go to natalieportman.com" and he informed me that he was, in fact, already there. Well, take a wild guess as to what site he was visiting when I even brought this up... that's right... after several moments of intense pain akin to 10,000 ice cream headaches I thought maybe he just spent so much time there that the odds were in my favour and there wasn't some supernatural force at work here... unfortunately, according to statistics provided by Tristan, the odds are ~57 in 1000 that at any given moment he is visiting that site... out of the twice I have directly chided him for it he has been there twice (though I have, through clever use of wit and innuendo, chided indirectly far more than twice). Why do I bring this up? Perhaps it will make him type something in his page... I've become what some scientists are calling a 'tristo-masichist', or one who derives pleasure from the pain derived from Tristan.

Speaking of pain, he found some cyclist who is apparently very good (if being number two in the nation is very good... whatever) and simply can't wait to suffer humiliation and muscle damage by training with him. Which normally I would say is silly, but I'll probably partake as well... which of course doen't change the fact that it's silly, but does change my willigness to admit so.

I found out when I registered that I could graduate after next semester... of course they tell me that right when I'm getting used to the whole school thing. I don't think I'll do it though, I mean, what would you do, get out early and get a cool high paying job, or keep delivering pizzas so you can stay in school and take some neato classes? I know what you're thinking, and that's exactly what I thought; there really is no contest is there.


 March 25, 2002  11.57am est  - Togaen

I am listening to We Didn't Start The Fire and I just realized something: this is just about my favourite Billy Joel song of all time and there's no piano in it. That is just weird.


 March 21, 2002  1.59pm est  - Togaen

The guestbook is busted temporarily. Great grammar, ain't it?


 March 19, 2002  1.08pm est  - Togaen

A 500,000,000,000 ton iceberg has broke from Antarctica. At 53 miles long and 40 miles wide it's twice the size of Rhode Island. Way cool.


 March 13, 2002  2.36pm est  - Togaen

As always, The Onion unafraid to ruffle feathers.

Officially the coolest thing I have read. Ever.

An excerpt from my Number Theory book... so fascinating I have to share:

"Julius Caesar changed the Egyption calendar, which was based on a year of exactly 365 days, to a new calendar, called the Julian calendar, with a year of average length 365¼ days, with leap years every fourth year, to better reflect the true length of the year. However, more recent calculations have shown that the true length of the year is approximately 365.2422 days. As the centuries passed, the discrepancies of 0.0078 days per year added up, so that by the year 1582 approximately 10 extra days had been added unnecessarily in leap years. To remedy this, in 1582 Pope Gregory set up a new calendar. First, 10 days were added to the date, so that October 5, 1582 became october 15, 1582 (and the 6th through the 14th of October were skipped). It was decided that leap years would be precisely the years divisible by 4, except that those exactly divisible by 100, the years that mark centuries, would be leap years only when divisible by 400. As an example, the years 1700, 1800, 1900, and 2100 are not leap years but 1600 and 2000 are. With this arrangement, the average length of a calendar year became 365.2425 days, rather close to the true year of 365.2422 days. An error of 0.0003 days per year remains, which is 3 days per 10,000 years. In the future, this discrepancy will have to be accounted for, and various possibilities have been suggested to correct for this error.

In dealing with calendar dates for various parts of the world, we must also take into account the fact that the Gregorian calendar was not adopted everywhere in 1582. In Britain and what is now the United States, the Gregorian calendar was adopted only in 1752, and by then it was necessary to add 11 days. In these places September 3, 1752 in the Julian calendar became September 14, 1752 in the Gregorian calendar. Japan changed over in 1873, Russia and nearby countries in 1917, while Greece held out until 1923."

I'd always wondered what the difference between Julian and Gregorian calendars is... and now I know, boy do I know; and that business with leap years skipped on centuries not divisible by four was totally new to me. Neat stuff, very neat stuff. You know what else I've always wanted to know? How to calculate the day of the week given any date... and wouldn't you know it, proceeding that little history lesson in my book they develop a method to determine the day of the week for any given date in the Gregorian calendar. I was going to share it's development with you all... but no. Too long. So here's just the solution (the development, though, is really really neat... for example, to derive this you assume that March is the first month of the year and February is the twelfth):


W = k + [2.6m - 0.2] - 2C + Y + [Y/4] + [C/4] (mod 7)


Where W will be some integer between 0 and 6 (with Sunday = 0 up to Saturday = 6), k is the day of the month, m is the month (with March = 1 up to February = 12), C is the century, and Y is the year. "But Jeff," you say, "what the hell is that '(mod 7)' at the end??" Well my friends, it's there because this 'equation' is really not an equation. It is a congruence. The equal sign up there should not be there but there is no congruence sign in the HTML alphabet so I used it anyway (the congruence symbol is just an equal sign with three slashes instead of two). Now you're all really confused aren't you. Well fret not. The only thing the '(mod 7)' means is that whatever answer you get is the remainder (or residue) of some number divided by 7. It's not as bad as it sounds. Really. And let me tell you, congruences are fun... with a capital F-U-N. Anyway, here's how you use that congruence:

What day of the week is July 18, 2002?

k = 18
m = 5
C = 20
Y = 2

W = 18 + [2.6·5 - 0.2] - 2·20 + 2 + [2/4] + [20/4] (mod 7)
W = -3 (mod 7)
W = 4 (mod 7)
Therefore, the day of the week is four, and will be a Thursday.

"Wait just a god damned minute," you say, "that mess of numbers doesn't equal -3, it's -1.7! What the fuck you tryin' to pull here Johnson..." The brackets indicate that you use the greatest integer less than or equal to whatever you got (we got 12.8, 0.5, and 5 in the brackets so we'd use 12, 0, and 5 respectively)... don't worry, it makes sense in the derivation; in fact, congruences are integer math, decimals aren't defined and effectually don't exist for them. "Alright, alright," you say, "but how did you jump from -3 to 4??" Well, the thing with congruences is that they describe a set of answers, not a single answer. The algebraic equivalent of W congruent to -3 (mod 7) is W = 7n + (-3), where n is any darn integer you want. In this case, I want a single digit answer for W so I chose n = 1 and got 4. Ta-da. "But now wait," you say, "July is the seventh month... why are you calling it the fifth?" Because in this method our year starts with March and goes to February, reason being that February has the extra day in leap years and... well... leave it at that. Keep that in mind when you're out trying to impress people with this, if someone wants to be a smartass and tells you to find the day of the week of January 7, 1800 your C will be 17 and your Y will be 99 because January is represented as the eleventh month of the previous year. Of course, if someone really wants to be a smartass and wants you to try a B.C. date then you're S.O.L. I suppose you could tell them that the Gregorian calendar was not created until October 15, 1582 and any date previous to that is technically not a part of it... still... I am going to work out something to describe dates in B.C... I doubt it would be the same... probably just some sign changes... hmm... interesting....

You know what else I've been doing in my number theory course? Divisibility tests. For example, to determine if a number is divisible by three you add the digits of the number and if the result is divisible by three so is the number. What so special about that? Well, I've learned how that was derived, not only that, but this book also shows how you can derive divisibility tests for any number. It's so sweet it's wicked awesome. God I love this class. God I wish someone cared. Here's a problem from the book that can be solved with divisibility tests:

"An old receipt has faded. It reads 88 chickens at a total of $x4.2y where x and y are unreadable digits. How much did each chicken cost?"

Pretty cool, huh? The answer is $0.73. You could, of course, just try the 100 possible combinations; but there is a much easier and faster way to do it...


 March 10, 2002  10.17pm est  - Togaen

"I was born to murder the world."

      "What are you?"

"I'm a man who wanted to be a god... and changed his mind."


 February 19, 2002  2.05pm est  - Togaen

Every weekend it's the same thing... my sisters come over with the dog, and they and my father sit in the living room watching Lifetime and discussing their favourite parts of all the movies- it's been a looooong time since there's been one they haven't seen. It's just funny.

Today my philosophy professor started going off about the piss-poor citizenry of America. It was a great lecture; and after studying ancient Greece it's easy to see how mind-raped this country is. He said he spent twenty years living abroad and upon returning to the U.S. the culture here just made him sick- everyone is so convinced of their personal freedom they don't realize that it doesn't even really exist. Freedom of expression is gauranteed by the first amendment... but it's only gauranteed to adults, and only in public. Upon entering private property, you leave your bill of rights at the door... it just doesn't exist. And even people who express ideas in public, if the ideas at all contradict what is popular at the moment no one listens, so really, it doesn't matter that you can say what you want. He called this a beautiful machine for thought control- and it is. The U.S.S.R. used violence, but that's rather clunky and doesn't really work; if, on the other hand, you control people thoughts, they don't even know they're being controlled.

Dum da da dum! 1984.

The founding fathers were too good at setting up this country. To avoid centralized power they split it up so that no one entity had total control... so that no one entity could abuse it's power. But this only works with an informed electorate- that was something Thomas Jefferson himself said that to John Adams when Adams was railing against political parties (Adams, the big-cheese behind the constitution, absolutely hated the idea of political parties, he thought they completely defeated the idea of the country he was helping to found... that was another favourite topic of my Gov professor- though there is a defence for parties, but maybe I'll share that later). So now power is split and surely the parts and the citizens will keep an eye on each other and make sure everyone is in line... haha, how foolish. People are way too lazy to do that, so the whole thing has slowly decayed- the government and the governed. The whole country. This is what happens when no single entity goes bad, but the whole thing does; something much more difficult to fix than a tyrant... it's kinda like these file sharing programs, right? Napster was a centralized unit so it was easy to kill, just cut the head off and the whole thing collapses. But Morpheus has no centrality, so it is nearly impossible to kill. The power division makes tyranny nearly impossible in the U.S. which is good. However, there is always the other edge of the sword... it also makes getting rid of the government nearly impossible, because it's everywhere.

Something to think about: the Revolutionary War was brought about by unfair tax practices. This country fought for sovereignty and founded itself because people didn't agree with British tax practices... who among you reading this thinks that those same founding fathers would, for an instant, put up with the kind of government we have now? Anyone? Yeah, right. They would be organizing revolt five minutes into filing a tax return... let alone watching CNN. Think about that.

This reminds me of the scene in Cube when Worth is trying to get the others to think about why the rooms are different than they were before... remember that? He tries to point out something glaringly wrong but no one listens, no one cares. "Hey! Heeeyyy! Listen to what I'm saying!" Remeber that? Unfortunately in real life most people never do perk up and actually listen or think. Jefferson also said America should go through a revolution every twenty years or so... every generation, in other words, just to avoid what has and is happening- to prevent complancency from becoming a hand-me-down trait of the American people. But it has... oh, and how. That's why the rest of the world hates us so much, we're a bunch of hypocrites. We wage war on people who "don't love freedom", which is ridiculous in and of itself, but then we turn right around and take it away from ourselves (the Patriot Act, Homeland Security, etc.), and not only that, but I'd bet 97% of us couldn't even define freedom.

What is it, anyway? What, exactly, are we fighting for? Does anyone know? I sure as hell don't. It's really too bad these terrorists don't know how to be constructive with their ideas. If they would use words instead of 747's they might actually do some good.

This country would be so wonderful if people just woke up; and really, this place isn't as bad as it's often made to seem, certainly not as bad as I like to make it seem- that's just for dramatic effect. As long as there is some haven for thought nothing is all that bad. The name escapes me at the moment, but one of the Greek philosophers said that no society will be truely successful until it is run by philosophers and not politicians. Even back then no one liked politicians. I never realized how incredibly important the study of history and philosophy is until I partook. Every society has had the same problems over and over again for thousands of years and there are solutions to all these problems, but no one pays attention. I really admire Socrates, in all the stuff I've read he has no interest in finding answers, indeed, he claims that he doesn't really know anything. His goal was just to get people to think about things, to teach them how to think and formulate solid opinions; finding an answer is not important... after all, once people think they have an answer they stop thinking.

Alright, I'm done for today.


 February 18, 2002  12.52pm est  - Togaen

Hello; my name is Jeff Johnson and I... I... I'm a Republican.

It's true. I can no longer live a lie; I must embrace myself. Born a Democratic child to a Democratic mother I'd long worn the emblem of the ass upon my forehead- but I'd also as long harboured within some malaise that all that time went ill-attributed. Then come Introduction to Government, then come conflicts, uncertainty, and then come questions. During great swaths of time allocated for the pursuit of worthwhile studies I instead read point-counterpoint arguments contained within the bound pages of my Intro to Gov textbook. They were laid out on opposing sides of the open book, one on left, one on the right, and accustomed to English stylings, I began my intake on the left. I'd read and digest with no protest the case presented- indeed, often within my mind were rally cries of "hell yeah!" and/or "damn straight!", then I'd pass the last period and I'd sit for a moment or three lost within the comforts of shared ideals. It was then... oh then... that I would parse the argument on the right. It was like trying a meal of diarrhea; the words passed through me leaving a filthy trail of disease and decay wherever they went. Did it bother me at that point that I had found comfort in the cold arms of conservatism? Not really, I hadn't bothered to look at the persuasion of the authors- it would be the professor to pick me up and turn me around... to tell me not to push on the pull door (well not me specifically, it's not in my nature to ask questions in class, or "talk" to the professor... such activity would require "effort"). He's really one of my favourite professors, very animated, very passionate about his subject. He criticized the majority of Americans for being lazy, childish, and ignorant; it was easy to tell that he would go home, read the paper or watch the news and just become infuriated with The People. I wish I had recordings of some of his classes, he go on about how much it irritated him that people dislike the way congress operates or hate politicians because they're crooks... or worst of all, that people don't vote. He said, and it's true, that almost nobody really knows how congress works- not because it's some big secret, but just because they're too lazy to learn it; it made him even more irate because it's not at all complicated; and people that hate politicians, he genuinely just did not understand that- "after all", he'd say, "it's your own fault if you don't like them, you voted them in... even if you didn't vote... especially if you didn't vote". Then about those people that don't vote... well he'd just throw up his hands in disgust. Anyway, the one question that he just loved to hear, that he just yearned for every student to grow and cultivate in their mind was this, "What exactly is the difference between a Repulican and Democrat?" Oh did he love that question. The only thing he loved more was the answer: "Not much... a donkey and an elephant" with ä in elephant. He'd said the real and only major difference is the view on where power resides in the government... Republicans favour stronger local governments while Democrats favour stronger central government. As with all things political now, the favouritism isn't clear cut as that, it is born out subtely in policy decisions and nuances in the wording of legislation. Want more funding for a school? A Democrat would give you with federal aid in exchange for allowing the government to tell you how to spend it... a Republican would have you work for the funding (i.e. improve test scores, lower drop-outs, something like that) but would then give the money no strings attached.

I'd sit and listen to all this, I'd read those point-counterpoints in my textbook and I started to think... it was weird, this "thinking" that was going on. Few classes have had that effect. I'd think, "Now wait, call me paranoid, but I don't exactly like the idea of politicians a thousand miles away telling Angola, Indiana what is best... how the hell would they know?"; and I'd think, "All these federal aid programs and nice and all, but if people weren't morons to begin with and kept themselves out of trouble from the get-go we wouldn't need hardly any of them." Alot of Democratic ideas seemed to take the Tylenol approach to things- fixing the symptoms, not the problem. Damn hippies. It's a good thing I didn't grow up in the sixties, I would have gone crazy I think.

But really, this whole enlightenment of mine stems from my thoughts that a federal government should only do those things that state and local governments, by nature, cannot. A state government should only do those things that a local government, by nature, cannot. A local government should only do those things that it's citizens, by nature, cannot. The less is more attitude, and that a government's primary concern is the well-being of every citizen, not each citizen. The government will look out for us, you look out for you; and it just so happens that those are conservative points of view. Weird huh. I'm probably the only atheist, pro-choice, liberal Republican on the planet, but so be it.


 February 17, 2002  1.40pm est  - Togaen

This could happen at TSU... yeah, sure.

The shortest distance between two points is zero because: of the infinitely many different arbitrary distances you could measure between two points, the shortest would have to be zero.


Archived News:
3/6/01 - 6/1/01    6/2/01 - 9/16/01
9/16/01 - 2/14/02    2/17/02 - 7/20/02
7/20/02 - 1/26/03    1/26/03 - current