The Adventures of Crack Dog: Pt. 3
By: Tristan "I gave a certain someone the clap" Reitz



Crack Dog Episode 3



The sun rose in the early dawn of that faithful day, creating light on a dark world. The streaming light entered the eyes of a man sleeping, he turned over to avoid the sun. Light was not his friend, only darkness. He then opened his evil eyes and decided to get outofhis bed, not knowing what Crack Dog had done to his whole evil operation. He got up and went to the bathroom to kill a cute chipmunk. He did it everyday. Why? Because he was evil...That is why. 30 minutes later he walked out of the bathroom. HE could not kill the chipmunk but he did manage to flush the toilet. A small victory for John Tonne. AKA Evil Bass Man.

"Hahahhhahahaha" he snickered " Today is the final day in my evil world domination plan to turn all the world’s crack supply into basses..bwuahahahha" He picked up his comb to brush his hair. IT was a comb shaped like a bass guitar..What a goober. Not only was he evil but he had horrible taste.

"Today I will finally know what it wil feel like TO RULE THE WORLD HAHAHAHAH"





"Warning Warning Warning" The alarm sounded in Liakas Crack Cave. Liaka got up and rushed over to the Crack Monitor. The image wasof the EVIL john tonne pulling his red pontiac into the evil warehouse that housed his crack basses.


Liaka gnawed at the screen for a couple minutes and chased a dead sock around for another couple minutes. After the excitement had died she decidedto get back to work.

" I must go over and sure my plan goes according to.......uhh...plan" she said with a confused look on her face. This was make not too uncommon. She rushed over to get her crack cape on and fly to the evil hideout of john tonne. But she knew it would be faster just to take the bus.


A man in a business siut was sitting down with a newspaper in his hand. Scanning the latest headlines and reading the business news. Beside him was an old lady was quietly reading a novel, and next to her was a masked dog with a cape, drooling on the seats. Not an uncommon site in Germany.The bus driver stopped and the "Evil John Tonne Hideout" busstop. Those Germans sure know how to do public transportation right.


Liaka got off the bus and ran over to the hideout very sneekily. She knew that if she were to be spotted by John, the whole plan would be ruined! She krept to the left side of the warehouse not making a sound, she was quiter than Jeff at a Star Wars Conference. Hopping onto a box she then peared into the only window to see what John was up to.

" HAHAHAH" said John " Now that Crack Dog does not know of my plans, my final stage will be finished and I shall rule the world!! With my CRACK BASSES!!!" ( play glorious music) " All I have to do is to turn this switch on here, and in a couple minutes the whole world’s supply of crack, will be used to make basses, and not just basses, but the most evil, crackful, basses in the WORLD!!!"

The thought of all that Crack being wasted tore into Liaka’s Heart. The searing pain of such evil tortured her very soul. But she knew it would soon be all over. When John started to make all the DMB crack records, the world would be saved and all would be great again.

John turned on the power switch and the machine purred like a kitten....an kitten on crack that is. The pounding and shrieking was much like Dave’s Room on a Saturday night, only this sound was much more sinister.

            A grin on Liaka’s face grew. She knew what would happen in a few minutes, and could not wait for John’s reaction.

A few minutes later the Crack Cd’shad been made. John walked over to the storage area to inspect what he thought were going to be the last of the basses.


            "WHAT!!" john exclaimed "WHAT IN THE WORLD!!!" John was looking at the fresh pile of Crack CD’s. "These better be King Crimson!!!" John said stupidly.

He put one of the CD’s into a Kleenex box. A few minutes later he realized that this Kleenex box did not have a play button and luckily found a real CD player. HE inserted the CD in and pushed play. Then slowly some words were heard...


            " gwakdoodle everyone. Hope ya’ll having a pleasant evening so far....yahh..ya’ll are great thanks a lot...." John was confused...This was not King Crimson...He was scared....dead scared.


            "..and ya’ll have been so wonderful tonight...so yahh thanks a lot...have a wonderful night..."

John’s head was starting to sweat. The music started up...and he heard


            " lovely lovlely lady...how bout you...how bout you come and dace with me.."


"NOOOOOOO screamed John as the lyrical masterpiece of excellence tore into his evil soul....NOOOOOOOOO...Tony Save ME!!"

Then at that instant...the air started to get foggy and a mysterious person started to walk towards john...Crack Dog could not make him out...Actually by this time Crack Dog was jumping on garbage cans because noise is fun.


John looked at the figure approaching him but could not see who exactly it was.


"John...." The mysterious man said

"who...who are you?" relied John

" Why John..I am.." The man stepped into the light (name that pun and I will give you a dollar)

" I am Tony Levin"

John gasped in amazement. It was Tony Levin. The eye candy of the Bass world.

"Tony..what are you doing here?" John asked with his whiny baby like voice.

" John, I am here to show you the way..Much like Buddha or that one guy with that thing..."

"Shakespeare you mean?"

" Yeah him" Tony replied " I am here to show you the error of your ways... you see John..Crack is for smoking...not for pounding out the radical bass notes that the world has come to love and cherish..."

"But I thought...I just thought"

"That Is the problem John, you see, you did not think. Crack has its place in the world. Crack Dog knows this, and so do most people, but in your horrible path of world domination, you forgot that...you forgot the true meaning of crack, and of bass"

A light of hope shimmered in Tony’s eyes. John saw this; he thought for a while reflecting on what Tony had said. A tear ran down John’s eye


" I...I .. I am so so so sorry Tony..*sob* I.. do not know what I was doing.."


" I will tell you what you were doing" said Crack Dog as she entered the warehouse " you had hatred in your heart John...hatred for all that is right in this beautiful world...Crack, socks, people coming into the door so you can jump on them and bite them for hours and hours...that is the true joy in life John..not this"

John reflected again. He knew she was right..He knew it in his heart. He knew what he had to do.

" Crack dog" John said " I want to give back all the crack I have stolen..and to give Tristan my Bianchi"

"that is the only good thing to do" Liaka said. " Now who’s up for some Schnitzel??!!"


Anne Tonne ran into the warehouse, no one knew she was there...weird how that works sometimes

" JA!!! Ich bin sehr hungrig! Ich würde lieben etwas shznitzel "


They all hugged and had a good laugh. After they all walked into the sunset and had the best Schnitzel in the world.